Steelers Today – A Pittsburgh Steelers blog

I’m still having a hard time accepting what happened.  Five fumbles, three interceptions, and a loss to the Browns.  Yikes!

It’s time for our weekly haiku contest, but I don’t think this week’s entries are going to be very nice.  Nope, I don’t think they’re going to be nice at all.  But the contest must go on.

The contest rules are simple. You must summarize the Steelers-Browns game in a haiku.  A haiku is a form of Japanese poetry that contains only 3 lines. The first line has 5 syllables, the second line has 7 syllables, and the third line has 5 syllables. Typically, haiku do not rhyme.

Please note, the emphasis is on syllables, not words.  Remember, 5/7/5.

I start the competition by offering a haiku of my own. Then you readers write a haiku of your own to try to beat mine. On Thursday I will announce this week’s contest winner.  But remember, your haiku has to be better than mine.  If none of your entries are better than mine, then I can declare myself this week’s winner.

Here’s my entry:

Another fumble
Christmas came early for Browns
Gift wrapped turnovers

Okay readers, it’s your turn.  Lets see who can come up with the best haiku about the Steelers-Browns game.  Your haiku must be about the game, or any other interesting topics that are directly related to the game (e.g. the historic rivalry, Charlie Batch getting the start, the incredible number of turnovers, etc).  You may enter the contest as many times as you like.

Any entries that do not follow the 5/7/5 format will be automatically disqualified, so remember to count your syllables.

Are you ready for some haiku?!!

While I was on vacation for the holiday, I didn’t simply spend my time sipping egg nog.  Nope, I put my time to much better use. I slipped into the Cleveland Browns’ practice facility to see if I could find a stray playbook, or some other item that might give the Steelers an advantage in their final regular season game on Sunday.

We all know that beating the Browns will guarantee the Steelers the #2 seed in the AFC.  So I wanted to do my part to help bring that about.  I’ve learned that even the Cleveland Browns can’t be taken for granted.

While I was snooping around the Browns’ facility, I happened to notice something hanging on the wall in the Browns’ locker room.  It was a poem that had been written by the Browns themselves.  It gives insight into how the Browns view their rivalry with the Steelers.  I thought that it was worth sharing with Steeler Nation.  So here it is.

We Can’t Beat Them
(By the Cleveland Browns)

We, the Browns’ veterans
from over the years.
Leave these words for the current Browns,
though they’re soaked in tears.

Try as you might,
and we’re sure that you will.
You cannot defeat
The Men of Steel.

We could not beat them
at Three Rivers.
The thought of that place
gives us the shivers.

We could not beat
the mighty Steel Curtain.
Though we tried our best
defeat was certain.

We could not beat
the one called Greene.
We were scared of him,
he was so darn mean!

We could not stop
Bradshaw to Swann.
Those guys were awesome!
We’re glad they’re gone!

We could not beat
the one called “Bus”.
He ran through our “D”.
He was stronger than us

We can’t beat them
at Heinz Field.
Those Terrible Towel wavers
make all foes yield.

We can’t beat
the one called “Ward”.
If he’s a receiver
why does he hit so hard?

We can’t beat Troy
with his flowing hair.
Or James Harrison
and his icy stare.

We can’t stop
number 17.
He’s the fastest receiver
we’ve ever seen.

And what are we supposed
to do with Big Ben?
In or out of the pocket
he’s impossible to defend.

How do we stop
their black and gold might?
Perhaps garlic and holy water?
Or Kryptonite?

We can’t even beat them
on our home turf.
If we can’t beat them here
Can we beat them anywhere on Earth?

We can’t beat them
here nor there.
We can’t beat them
anywhere.

They have better colors.
They play in a better town.
They win Super Bowls
while knocking us around.

We don’t mean to depress you
with these words of gloom.
But facing the Steelers
is a sure path to doom.

But give it your best shot,
and you’ll learn why we feel
that we cannot beat
those Men of Steel.

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There are certain truths that are simply incontrovertible.  They are established facts, and only a fool would argue against them.  You know what I mean.  Things like “the Earth is round”, “the sun is hot”, and “Alec Baldwin is fat”.  We all know these things to be true.

Another such truth is this;  Cleveland sucks.

“Well D’uh”, you’re probably saying.  “Like we didn’t know that”.

Yes, the statement is rather obvious.  But sometimes, we have to take the time to point out the obvious.  So that’s what we’re going to do today.  Steelers Today presents the top 10 reasons Cleveland sucks.

10.   Seneca Wallace

Do I even have to take the time to explain why Seneca Wallace is a clear sign of total suckitude?  Suffice it to say that if he’s on your roster, YOU SUCK!

9.  This guy

8.    Too dumb to think of a real team name

The “Browns”?  Really?  Who thought that was a good name for a team?  It’s a color.  Have you ever heard of a team called the “Yellows”?  How about the “Pinks”?  Or what about the “Purples”?  Of course you haven’t.  That’s because no other city would name their team after a color.  To hide their obvious stupidity, Clevelanders have taken to saying that the team is named after former coach Paul Brown.  But any rational person realizes that that answer is even dumber than the first.  Would Pittsburgh ever name their team the Pittsburgh Tomlins?  How about the Pittsburgh Cowhers?  Or the Pittsburgh Nolls?  Of course they wouldn’t.  Why?  Because naming your team after a coach sucks even more than naming your team after a color.

7.  Worse than the Bungals

We all know that Cincinnati’s football team has been a joke for a very long time.  They were even nicknamed “The Bungals”.  But the real joke of a football team resides on the eastern side of Ohio.  Can anyone guess who they are?  Hint:  They’re named after a color.

6.  Jake Delhomme

The Browns actually thought that bringing in “Interception Jake” was a way to improve their team.  In 2009, Delhomme threw 8 touchdowns for the Carolina Panthers.  However, it was his 18 interceptions that got him shipped out of town.  Prior to getting injured, Delhomme had thrown 4 interceptions and 1 touchdown for the Browns.  If your team views that as an “upgrade”, then they’ve reached new levels of suckitude.

5.  Even New Jersey makes jokes about Cleveland

Humans have an innate need to feel they’re not at the bottom of the barrel.  But when you live in the toxic waste dump known as New Jersey, it’s pretty hard to find anyone who lives someplace that’s even worse than you do.  Fortunately, there’s Cleveland.

4.  Brady Quinn

There was a reason that most teams passed on Brady Quinn in the 2007 NFL draft.  He sucked.  But of course, Cleveland couldn’t pass on the idea of having Quinn as their savior.  I guess when your team sucks, anything looks like an improvement.

3.  The former Browns (AKA the Ravens) think so

I hate to pour salt in an old wound, but it has to be said.  Even Cleveland’s patron saint, Art Modell, realized that Cleveland sucks.  So he took his team and moved them out of town.  Soon after exiting the suckquatious environment of Cleveland, the former Browns went on to win a Super Bowl.  Obviously, it was Cleveland itself that was holding the team down.

2.  LeBron James thinks so

LeBron was a hometown boy.  Sure, he was from Akron.  But Akron is practically a suburb of Cleveland.  That’s why it was such a coup for Cleveland to get James in the draft lottery.  The hometown hero could actually stay home.  Only in this case, home sucked.  And LeBron knew it.  So he got out of Dodge.

Sayonara, Suckville!!!

1.  Zero

That’s right, zero.  That’s how many championships Cleveland has.  Zero.  I don’t mean championships from leagues that no longer exist.  So don’t tell me that Cleveland once won a polo championship in 1847.  I’m only talking about championships in the modern era (which means, when most of us were alive).  The Cavs?  Zero.  Indians?  Zip.  Browns.  Zilch.  That’s right, Cleveland’s major sports teams have a combined total of zero championships.  Zero!!!!!

Heck, if Cleveland ever got an NHL team (which they’d inevitably name “The Cleveland Lime Greens”), we all know that they too would be destined for centuries of championshiplessness.  I’m not even sure whether that’s a word.  Prior to Cleveland, there has never been a city that required such a descriptor.

Regardless of whether “championshiplessness” is actually a word, I think there is one thing that everyone will agree on; Cleveland sucks!

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The nation waited anxiously last night to hear the big announcement.  NBA superstar LeBron James was going to make the official announcement of which team he would be signing with.

LeBron is such a celebrity, that even a simple decision required an hour long prime-time special on ESPN.

Fans in Chicago, New York, Cleveland, and Miami were all waiting to see if LeBron would be donning their team’s jersey.  But there was another group that also hoped that LeBron might be joining their team; Steeler Nation.

That’s right.  Steeler Nation had visions of LeBron playing tight end for the black and gold.  At 6’8″ tall and 250 lbs., LeBron would have been a prototype tight end.  Or perhaps some saw the possibility of LeBron coming out of the Steelers’ backfield in short yardage situations.  I’d like to see the average NFL safety try to stuff that play.  Others in Steeler Nation envisioned the multitude of ways that Dick LeBeau could have used LeBron in his defense.  Is there anyone who doubts that LeBron would have been an upgrade over James Farrior at linebacker?  And with LeBron’s height and athleticism, he would have been an upgrade over William Gay at cornerback (Admittedly, Paula Abdul would be an upgrade over William Gay, but you get my point).  Or with the recent injury to Willie Colon, I could have envisioned LeBron using his strength and footwork to fill our starting spot at right tackle.

LeBron James in black and gold.  The possibilities were endless.

But alas, it was not meant to be.  Rather than become a part of the greatest franchise in sports history, LeBron chose to move to South Florida and become a member of the Miami Heat (Is it just me, or is “Heat” the stupidest team name in all of sports?).

I still don’t understand LeBron’s decision.  What does South Beach have over the South Side?  Why would he choose the sandy beaches of the Florida coast, when he could have the Allegheny River?  Why would he choose to play in front of 15,000 fans at American Airlines Arena, when he could play in front of 50,000+ fans at Heinz Field?  When was the last time Western Pennsylvania had a hurricane?  Does the fresh seafood and Cuban inspired dishes that are served in Miami even compare to a Primanti Brothers sandwich?  Of course not.  And Pittsburgh would have been a mere 3 hour drive to LeBron’s hometown of Akron, Ohio.

Is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that Pittsburgh is clearly a better city than Miami, or that the Steelers are a better team than the Heat?  Of course not.  Some choices are just obvious, and LeBron bypassed the obvious choice.

Pittsburgh does not take being slighted lightly.  There will be consequences.  No team in Pittsburgh actually plays the Miami Heat, so we won’t be able to get our vengeance directly.  But when the Steelers play the Miami Dolphins, we’re going to pummel them.  I won’t be surprised if they run up the score to basketball numbers.  98-7 seems reasonable.  Moreover, just to make the message even more personal to LeBron, we’re also going to kick his home team’s arse.  The Browns are in for a beatdown.  Twice!

Go ahead and join the Miami Heat, LeBron.  You could have been a proud member of the Pittsburgh Steelers, but instead you chose to leave the Steelers and their fans waiting at the alter.  Just remember that Pittsburgh doesn’t forget.  This is just another reason for us to hate Cleveland.

On October 24, the Steelers travel to Miami to take on the Dolphins.  The calamity that ensues is your fault, LeBron.  98-7.  You heard it here first.

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Dear Cleveland Browns,

We are writing to you to express our concerns and frustration.

There was a time when Steelers-Browns week was circled on everyone’s calendar.  Beating the Browns meant more than any other victory (except the Super Bowl, of course).  It was kind of like Michigan beating Ohio State, or USC beating UCLA.  There were bragging rights involved.

But now, that is no longer the case.  The Steelers have beaten the Browns so many consecutive times that everyone here in Pittsburgh has lost count.  How many times has it been?  11?  15?  30?  50?  I can’t even remember how many times we’ve beaten you, but I know it is too many.

Once upon a time, Steelers versus Browns was an epic battle on the scale of the Sharks versus the Jets.  Nowadays, it is more analogous to sharks versus seals.  And the Browns are the seals.  They are little more than snacks for the hungry Steelers.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  We really WANT you to beat us.  No, I’m not joking.  It’s true.

In the overall history of the series between the Steelers and the Browns, the Steelers lead 59-55.  That’s pretty close.  You have beaten us almost as many times as we have beaten you.  That is what made the series great.  Each time we played, the game was important.  We knew that any time we stepped onto the field with the Browns, we could leave the game with a loss.

Even in the 70′s when we were the most dominant team of the decade, the Browns were an opponent that we could never take lightly.  Fans in Pittsburgh may have hated the Browns, but we always had to respect them.

That is why we are concerned about the current state of the Browns.  You are not upholding your end of the deal.  We want you to be better.  We really do.

Sure, it was fun beating you the first 5 times in a row.  But after 11 straight wins, it’s getting rather monotonous.

We want you to beat us.  And while you’re at it, beat the Ravens and the Bengals a few times.  You see, if you were able to do that, it would be good for everyone.

The Cincinnati Bengals seem to have shed their losing ways, and currently sit atop the AFC North.  The Steelers and Ravens are always competitive.  It is only the Browns that are holding the AFC North back.  If the Browns were better, the AFC North would undoubtedly be the most competitive division in the NFL.  I’m sick of hearing NFL analysts brag about how tough the NFC East is.  I want the AFC North to be king.  And you are preventing that from happening.

The sad part is that you have the best fans in the NFL outside of Western Pennsylvania.  You have no idea how much I hate verbalizing that, but it’s true.  The fans in Cleveland are tremendous.  They deserve better than what you are giving them.

That is why we make this collective plea.  Please beat us.  We want you to beat us.  No, we NEED you to beat us.  Just don’t do it this week.  We still have ground that we need to make up on the Cincinnati Bengals.

Sincerely,
Pittsburgh

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