Steelers Today – A Pittsburgh Steelers blog

As our readers know, we here at Steelers Today are not just sports bloggers. We are also the holders of numerous patents for futuristic technology. Perpetual motion machines? We’ve got them. Cold fusion? Been there, done that. Pocket black holes? Ha! Primitive.

Of course, we understand that our technology is too dangerous to put in the hands of today’s society. However, occasionally we choose to use our superior technology for the benefit of Steeler Nation. Today is one of those days.

Since the Steelers have a bye today (Sunday, October 12, 2008), we are going to use one of our inventions, the chrono-transporter, to travel into the future to view a Steelers game that is occurring on this date 6 years in the future (Oct. 12, 2014).

As we step onto our time displacement platform, we are quickly transported to the year 2014. Today, the Steelers are facing their long-time rival, the Cleveland Browns. The game is being played in Cleveland at their newly built football stadium. The Browns sold naming rights for the stadium to a national restaurant chain. Now the Steelers will be playing their first game at Cleveland’s Chuck E. Cheese Stadium.

Even here in 2014, things are basically the same as they were in 2008. The annual tradition of beating the Browns is still intact. The Steelers have now won 21 consecutive games against the Browns.

As the game begins, U.S. President Sarah Palin is on-hand for this nationally televised game. She calls for a moment of silence before the game to commemorate all of the fallen American soldiers in the on-going wars in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, Russia, China, Mexico, and Iceland.

Once the game begins, Cleveland wins the coin toss, and Browns’ coach Bill Cowher chooses to receive. On the opening kickoff, Steelers linebacker and special teams captain James Harrison forces a fumble (his 13th forced fumble of the season) on the Browns’ kick returner. The Steelers fall on the ball in the endzone, and take a quick 7-0 lead.

The exact same thing happens on 4 consecutive plays. Before the Browns’ offense can even step onto the field, the Steelers have a 28-0 lead.

On the next kickoff, the Browns successfully field the kick and their offense finally takes the field. Starting quarterback Mark Sanchez is sacked on the very first play by Steelers All-Pro linebacker Lamarr Woodley. Sanchez is slow getting up, and is taken to the locker room for x-rays. Sanchez is replaced by career backup Brady Quinn.

On his first pass attempt, Quinn throws a short 4 yard pass to tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. The ball bounces off of Winslow’s hands, and chips the fingernail on his pinkie. Winslow collapses in pain, and is carried off the field on a stretcher. Winslow never returns to the game, and is seen throughout the game seated on the Browns’ bench crying like a little girl.

The Brown offense is forced to punt after an ineffective possession.

When the Steelers offense takes the field, 7-time Pro Bowl quarterback Ben Roethlisberger marches the Steelers offense down the field. Meeting little resistance from the hapless Browns’ defense, the Steelers quickly score on a 9 yard run by starting running back Gary Davis. Davis was elevated to the starting role when Steelers running backs Willie Parker, Rashard Mendenhall, and Mewelde Moore all signed with the Arizona Cardinals in the offseason.

When the Brown regain possession, Brady Quinn once again takes the field to lead the Browns offense. As has been the case throughout his career, Quinn plays like a deer in the headlights. He seems paralyzed in the face of the relentless Steelers pass rush. Quinn is sacked a record 17 times in the 1st half.

After a 1st half that is filled with much of the same, the Steelers go into half-time with a 44-0 lead.

In the second half, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin tries to have the game stopped due to the “mercy rule”. However, Tomlin is informed by the referees that the NFL has no “mercy rule”, and that his team will have to continue to play the hopelessly over-matched Browns.

In lieu of a mercy rule, Tomlin brings in his 3rd string for the remainder of the game. However, the Steelers’ 3rd string is just as successful against the Browns’ defense as their 1st string was. Forty five year old 3rd string quarterback Charlie Batch throws for 5 touchdowns, and the Steelers win by a final score of 79-0.

The consecutive win streak against the Browns continues.

Post-game notes: When asked after the game about his injury, Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. replies angrily, “Have you ever chipped a nail? It hurts!!”. He then proceeds to bawl like a baby.

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While it may seem like you are Bill Murray, and you are trapped in an endless loop of recurring Groundhog Days, this is actually real life. The Steelers beat the Browns. Again. Ho hum.

Beating the Browns is becoming so routine that it’s not even enjoyable anymore (okay, maybe it IS still enjoyable). Sure the Steelers and Browns are a legendary rivalry. Sure they’ve been playing each other since the dawn of time. Yes, the two cities are only 114 miles apart, which leads to a natural rivalry. But let’s face it, after 10 straight wins, the shine is off of this rivalry. If most Steelers fans were honest, they’d probably admit that they hate the Baltimore Ravens more than they hate the Browns. I know that sounds like blasphemy, but it’s true. When we play the hated Ravens, the outcome is always in doubt. When we play the Browns, well……….

For those of you who missed the first of the Steelers’ two semi-annual Browns beatings, here is a brief recap:

The Steelers beat the Browns 10-6 in their first of two meetings this year. The teams had to deal with winds that gusted up to 50 MPH during this wet, rainy game in Cleveland. The Steelers established their dominance early on defense. During the 1st half, the Browns had to punt on their first 4 drives. Then, on their next two drives, Derek Anderson threw two consecutive interceptions. This led to the Browns going to their locker room at halftime to a chorus of boos from the frustrated Browns fans in the stadium.

Things didn’t change much in the second half, although the Browns did manage to sustain two long drives near the end of the game. Momentum seemed to be shifting in the Browns direction, but the Steelers’ defense, and bad play calling by Romeo Crennel, forced the Browns to settle for two field goals.

The second Browns field goal was particularly surprising. With the Browns trailing 10-3 late in the game, Crennel chose to kick a field goal rather than go for a first down, even though the Browns had been enjoying offensive success, and the clock was working against them. A field goal would have only made it 10-6, which would have still required the Browns to score another touchdown in order to win. By going for the touchdown, they would have only required a field goal in order to win the game. But Crennel is an NFL coach, and I’m not, so who am I to question his judgment?

On the offensive side of the ball, Ben Roethlisberger’s shoulder was still sore from the injury that he sustained against the Texans. That, combined with gusting winds, led the Steelers to focus on the run. Roethlisberger did pass for 186 yards, including a touchdown pass to Hines Ward. However, the winds made for less-than-ideal passing conditions.

Willie Parker ran for his second consecutive 100 yard game, gaining 105 yards on 28 carries. This is particularly good news since there were doubts coming into the season about how Parker would recover from the broken leg that ended his season last year. Parker’s second consecutive 100+ yard performance has put any lingering doubts to rest.

Another good sign for the Steelers was DE Aaron Smith’s performance. Smith was stout against the run, and he also managed to sack Derek Anderson twice. This is particularly impressive since in Dick LeBeau’s 3-4 defense, the linebackers accumulate most of the sacks.

Despite many experts picking the Browns to win the AFC North this year, they are off to an 0-2 start. Meanwhile, the Steelers are 2-0, and in first place in the AFC North after beating the Cleveland Browns……… again.

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The Steelers and Browns have been playing one another since dinosaurs walked the earth. The two teams are natural enemies like cats and dogs (although Steelers and Browns is more analogous to sharks and seals or lions and gazelles).

I have followed this storied rivalry since the late 1960′s, I have seen both teams win their fair share of these contests. Over that time, I have developed a hatred for certain Cleveland Browns players. Here is my list of my top 10 most hated Cleveland Browns.

#1 – Joe “Turkey” Jones

“Turkey” Jones will always be public enemy #1 in Pittsburgh. For those of you who are too young to remember Turkey Jones and the play that made him infamous, let me take you back down memory lane.

It was October 10, 1976, and the Steelers were playing their arch-rival, the Cleveland Browns. The Browns had signed Turkey Jones to their roster specifically to try to injure Steelers’ quarterback Terry Bradshaw. Prior to that game, Jones had been a prisoner in a maximum security penitentiary. The Governor of Ohio gave him a pardon so he could join the Browns to play against the Steelers. The Governor made a secret agreement with Jones; hurt Bradshaw and win your freedom.

The Steelers were beating the Browns 79-3, when the Browns sent in Turkey Jones to do his dirty work. Jones knew that he could never get past the Steelers’ vaunted offensive line, so he waited until after the refs had blown a play dead and Terry Bradshaw was walking back to the huddle. Jones had to make sure that Bradshaw and the other Steelers’ backs were turned, since no Brown would ever challenge a Steeler face-to-face. When he knew that Bradshaw wasn’t looking, Jones sprinted towards Bradshaw, picked him up in the air, turned him upside down, and slammed him head first into the ground. A loud applause rose among the unwashed Cleveland fans. Simultaneously, Steelers fans and the rest of the civilized world looked on in utter shock and horror.

As Bradshaw hit the ground head first, most fans thought that his spine would snap. Bradshaw’s body spasmed violently as he writhed in pain. But before anyone could react, Turkey Jones proceeded to stomp repeatedly on the helpless Bradshaw’s throwing hand in an attempt to injure him further. Finally, he gave Bradshaw a brutal kick to the face before he was apprehended by the police.

Due to the secret arrangement between Jones and the Ohio Governor, Jones was released by the Cleveland police as soon as they got him safely away from Municipal Stadium. Turkey Jones has lived in a Browns-owned mansion in Shaker Heights ever since, and he draws a secret pension of $1,000,000 per year that is paid for by the Cleveland City Council.

You may find very different versions of this story in other places like ESPN, NFL.com, Google, Wikipedia, etc. This is due to the Cleveland Browns’ propaganda machine successfully revising all written (and video) accounts of the incident. But we here at Steelers Today remember the true story.

#2 – Joe “Turkey” Jones

YouTube removed the video of the play that I had here.  But trust me when I tell you that it was the dirtiest play in NFL history.  Curse you, Turkey Jones!!!!!!

#3 – Joe “Turkey” Jones

See #1 & #2.

#4 – Joe “Turkey” Jones

Did I mention that after kicking Bradshaw in the face, Jones proceeded to spit on him?

#5 – Joe “Turkey” Jones

A coward’s coward.

#6 – Kellen Winslow Jr.

Winslow is the antithesis of everything the Steelers stand for. He is arrogant, self-centered, self-aggrandizing, soft (though he pretends not to be), and he has never accomplished anything on the field. He has spent much of his career on the injured list. I believe one of those injuries occurred while being tackled by the Pittsburgh Steelers’ kicker (but I could be wrong). The others were thinly veiled excuses to avoid having to play the Steelers.

#7 – Braylon Edwards

See “#6-Kellen Winslow Jr.” Same guy, different jersey number.

#8 – Ozzie Newsome

Newsome was unstoppable as a player. That is reason enough to hate him. But now he is General Manager of the only team that Steelers fans hate more than the Cleveland Browns, the Baltimore Ravens. If it weren’t for Turkey Jones, Ozzie Newsome would be much higher on this list.

#9 – Eric Metcalf

To this day, I still don’t think a Steelers special teams player has ever tackled this guy. He wasn’t much of a running back, but he was a terror on kickoff and punt returns. We hate you Eric Metcalf!

#10 – Webster Slaughter

I’ll give Slaughter the greatest compliment I can ever give a Browns player; I wish he were a Steeler. Slaughter was good. Very good. When Slaughter was playing, he was the Browns player that I worried most about.

Addendum:  #11 – Joshua Cribbs

I know that this article originally only included the top 10.  However, based on what Joshua Cribbs has done against the Steelers in recent years, I have gone back and added his name to the list.  We hate you, Joshua Cribbs!!!!!!!!

Honorable mention

Brian Sipe, Michael Dean Perry, Bob Golic, Bernie Kosar, Paul Warfield

*Editor’s note: As with much of what we write at Steelers Today, this article is intended to be humorous. Several readers have informed us that they thought it was serious. Turkey Jones was not a convict who was hired to hurt Terry Bradshaw. He was simply a professional football player. While he did slam Terry Bradshaw on his head, he never kicked him in the face or spit on him. We apologize to Mr. Jones if anyone else didn’t realize that the article was a joke.

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It’s Steelers vs Browns Day today. Steelers vs Browns Day is a local holiday in Pittsburgh. It is a day of joy, celebration, and good cheer. It’s kind of like Christmas, only with beer.

Pittsburghers wake up early for Steelers vs Browns Day. They know that they have to get to Giant Eagle early before all of the party supplies sell out. Steelers fans adorn themselves in black and gold, and cries of “Here we go Steelers, here we go!!” can be heard throughout the city.

On Steelers vs Browns Day, citizens of Pittsburgh engage in random acts of kindness. Tailgaters share food with total strangers. Drivers on the Parkway yield and allow other drivers to merge in front of them (something that never happens outside of Steelers vs Browns Day). Children give their toys to those less fortunate than themselves. All debts are forgiven, and grudges are forgotten. Steelers vs Browns Day is truly “the most wonderful time of the year”.

In Cleveland, they also have an official holiday. It is called Browns vs Steelers Day. Browns vs Steelers Day is very different from Steelers vs Browns Day. Browns vs Steelers Day is a day of sorrow and mourning. Cleveland Browns fans rue Browns vs Steelers Day. Browns vs Steelers Day is kind of like 9/11, the anniversary of your marriage to your ex-wife (b*tch!), the day the space shuttle Challenger exploded, and the day Kennedy was assassinated, all rolled into one terrible, miserable day.

Liquor stores in Cleveland open at 4:00 AM on Browns vs Steelers Day. By 6:00 AM, all of the hard liquor has completely sold off the shelves as poor, devoted Browns fans attempt to numb themselves to the pain that is to follow later that day.

In an odd meteorological miracle, the sun has never shone on Browns vs Steelers Day. Instead, a dark cloud hovers over the city, blocking out all light, and leaving Cleveland’s citizens feeling cold and sullen. It also frequently rains on Browns vs Steelers Day. Browns vs Steelers Day inevitably results in more suicides in Cleveland than the other 364 days of the year combined.

On Browns vs Steelers Day, Cleveland Browns fans engage in random acts of meanness. They kick their dogs and drown their cats. Children are sent to their rooms for no apparent reason and are not allowed to play with their toys or do anything fun. Browns-loving parents want to teach their children early in life that Browns vs Steelers Day is not to be enjoyed. It is a day of sorrow. Joy, mirth, laughter, fun, and other similar emotions are temporarily banned in Cleveland.

Lastly, Browns fans don’t speak to anyone on Browns vs Steelers Day (especially not to known Steelers fans). Even if they have family in Pittsburgh, they are prohibited from calling them. Cleveland’s local government passed the total silence legislation in an attempt to reduce the suicide rate on Browns vs Steelers Day. Their studies showed that listening to taunting from Steelers fans was the #1 cause of suicide among Browns fans.

That’s about all there is to know about these two related, but very different, holidays. If you’re from Cleveland, happy Browns versus Steelers Day. Try to buy a bottle of Jack Daniels before it all disappears from the shelves. If you’re from Pittsburgh, happy Steelers vs Browns Day! Enjoy the parade.

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The Steelers play their arch-rival, the Cleveland Browns, tomorrow in Cleveland. The game is a nationally televised contest that many thought would be the first step in the Browns’ inevitable unseating of the Steelers from the AFC North throne. However, injuries have changed the complexion of the game. Moreover, the Steelers aren’t going to give up their crown without a fight.

Following last week’s Steelers win, and the Browns’ dismantling at the hands of the Dallas Cowboys, many may have changed their opinion of just how ready the Browns are to take down the reigning champs. The Browns looked weak in all aspects of the game, but don’t let last week fool you. The Browns get pumped up when it’s time to play the Steelers. Moreover, the Browns have tons of injuries right now. This game is probably not going to be reflective of what the Browns can truly do. I am looking forward to the two team’s second battle later this year. Perhaps both teams will be healthy during that game.

Here are what I consider to be the key match-ups of the game:

Steelers receivers vs. Browns secondary

The Browns secondary is really banged up right now. They were torched last week by Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys for 70,000 yards. Okay, maybe not that many, but it certainly seemed like it.

The Browns will be playing without starting safety Sean Jones who is out 3-5 weeks with a knee injury. Cornerback Dave Holley has a torn ACL and is out for the entire season. Safety Brodney Pool is suffering from a concussion, but he is expected to play. The Browns two healthy cornerbacks, second year players Eric Wright and Brandon McDonald, are going to have their hands full.

Steelers receiver Hines Ward is a former Pro Bowler, and Santonio Holmes led all NFL receivers last year in yards per catch. Both players, along with “Big Ben” Roethlisberger, must have been salivating when they watched film of the Browns’ secondary this week. Advantage Steelers.

Justin Hartwig vs Shaun Rogers

Last year’s Steelers center Sean Mahan was sent packing, partially because he couldn’t handle the monster nose tackles in the AFC North. Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers may be the most monstrous. at 6′ 4″ and 350 lbs., Rogers is a human anvil. Hartwig is going to have to bring his “A” game in order to win this match-up. Of course, practicing everyday against Steelers’ nose tackle Casey Hampton has probably prepared Hartwig. Advantage Browns.

James Harrison vs. Joe Thomas

Last year, James Harrison went from back-up to Pro Bowl linebacker. In his first game as a starter he totally dominated Browns rookie LT Joe Thomas. After that game, Thomas also developed into a Pro Bowler. This may be the most interesting battle of the game. Draw.

LaMarr Woodley vs. Kevin Shaffer

Steelers linebacker LaMarr Woodley was drafted in the 2nd round in the 2007 NFL draft. After sitting and learning during his rookie year, Woodley has emerged as the Steelers starter this year. During training camp, Woodley looked practically unstoppable. Last week against the Texans, Woodley had a sack, an interception, and a fumble recovery. Shaffer is an experienced veteran, but he will have his hands full with Woodley. Advantage Steelers.

Braylon Edwards vs. Steelers secondary

Braylon Edwards is one of the most dynamic receivers in the NFL. He made his first Pro Bowl last year, and is a tough match-up for any cornerback. Edwards is tall, fast, and he has good hands. To make matters worse, Steelers starting cornerback Deshea Townsend is out with an injury (heel contusion), and backup Bryant McFadden will be getting the start. Advantage Browns.

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