Steelers Today – A Pittsburgh Steelers blog

This week Steelers Today is featuring an article by guest blogger Adam Kiefaber. Adam is the writer for Bengal Stripes, a Cincinnati Bengals blog. Enjoy Adam’s perspective on the Steelers-Bengals game, and please stop by his site at bengalstripes.com to let him know what you think of his article. Also, please stop by his site to read the article that I wrote for his blog.

Here is the article by Adam Kiefaber. Enjoy.

-Steelers Today

There isn’t a team that disgusts Bengals fans more than the Pittsburgh Steelers.

We hate you. Sure there might be some jealously, but mainly it’s because of the fact that you bastards are everywhere.

Just the other day I was in an argument with a Steelers fan
who also happens to be a LA Dodgers fan and a San Antonio Spurs fan.
What the hell?

To us, that just doesn’t make sense. If you are a Bengals fan, then
you are also a Reds fan. So that being said, we are miserable all the
time, and oozing with jealously of teams that always seem to be in the playoffs.

I lived in Atlanta for two years, I worked with three Steelers fans.
That was in an office that employed approximately 20 people. One fan
claimed to live for the Steelers in the fall, Duke basketball in the
winter and then like, a normal person, cheered for the Braves in the
summer. I guess it helps to have a home team (talking about the Braves
here) that wins the division every single season.

Many claim to have fallen in love with Steelers in the ’70s, or that
their father was a big Steelers fan – for some reason, in my opinion,
it rarely added up.

My first question to anyone that claims to be a Pittsburgh fan is,
where are you from?

If you answer “Pittsburgh”, then I don’t mind you as much. I will
probably still not like you, but I won’t hate you.

Here in Cincinnati, we are hometown fans, but we complain all the
time. We complain about everything about our city, and the Bengals are
near the top of that bitter list.

And honestly, Pittsburgh is a very similar city. There are many
hardcore Steelers fans that will support their team no matter what their
record is. Sure you might see a lot of Steelers fans at the game this
Sunday, but can you blame us? Our team is 0-6 and this is the only game
someone will buy our tickets from us at, or near, face value.

So, to all you Steelers fans, Who Dey! The Bengals will win its first
game in 2008 this Sunday.

Do I actually believe it? No, not really. But I do believe that the
majority of Steelers fans at Paul Brown Stadium this Sunday will not be wearing
Pirates apparel in the summer.

To all the hometown fans that will be wearing the “P” this summer,
cheers! Enjoy the Queen city and get home safely. For the rest of you
posers, pick a team that makes sense, and not just a convenient winner.

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This weekend, the Pittsburgh Steelers travel to Cincinnati, Ohio to play the Cincinnati Bengals. The Steelers enter the game atop the AFC North with a 4-1 record. The Bengals are in last place at 0-6. The Bengals have the worst record in the NFL, 1/2 game behind the 0-5 Detroit Lions.

The Steelers lead the all-time regular season series against the Bengals 45-30. The Bengals’ last win was in 2006 at Heinz Field.

The Steelers have defeated the Bengals the last 7 times they’ve traveled to Cincinnati. Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who is from Findlay, OH is a perfect 10-0 in the state of Ohio (5-0 versus Bengal, 5-0 versus Browns).

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin is a perfect 2-0 versus the Bengals.

Although we are only 7 weeks into the season, Bengals fans may already be giving up hope. Rumor has it that thousands of tickets are available for this match-up of division rivals. Of course, that is great news for Steeler Nation, who loves to take over opponents’ stadiums. All indications are that black and gold should be prominent in the crowd on Sunday.

The 0-6 start is the longest losing streak of head coach Marvin Lewis’ career, and some say that his job may be in jeopardy. Interestingly, the last Bengals head coach to start the season 0-6 was current Steelers Defensive Coordinator Dick LeBeau.

The Bengals futility begins on offense. With weapons like Carson Palmer, Chad Ocho Cinco, and T.J. Houshmandzadeh, the Bengals should be an offensive juggernaut. Yet, they are dead last in the NFL in total offense.

The Bengals’ passing offense, which is their strength, is ranked 27th in the NFL, and only averages 155.7 yards per game. By contrast, the Steelers, a run-oriented offense, are averaging 177.4 passing yards per game.

Chad Johnson only has 19 receptions this year in the Bengals’ pass-happy offense. Meanwhile, T.J. Houshmandzadeh has twice as many receptions with 38. Amazingly, Johnson has fewer reception yards than both Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes, both of whom play in the Steelers’ conservative, run-oriented offense. Johnson says that he is being punished for negative comments that he made during the offseason.

The Bengals passing offense won’t be helped by the fact that Carson Palmer will miss his third start in four weeks due to an injury to his right elbow. His backup, Ryan Fitzpatrick will get the start. Fitzpatrick has been sacked 8 times in 2 starts, and is likely to receive heavy doses of James Harrison and LaMarr Woodley on Sunday.

The bengals’ rushing offense is even worse than their passing offense. They are ranked next to last in the NFL in rushing, averaging only 72.2 rushing yards per game. leading rusher Chris Perry is averaging only 2.6 yards per carry. Moreover, the Bengals’ second leading rusher is Ryan Fitzpatrick. Their third leading rusher is Carson Palmer. No wonder their rushing attack is so futile.

As if things couldn’t get any worse for the Bengals, they are going to have to face the Steelers #2 ranked defense. The Steelers defense is only allowing 66.8 rushing yards per game. So the Bengals already paltry rushing average is likely to go even lower.

On offense, the Steelers were preparing to welcome back starting running back Willie Parker this week. However, Parker re-injured his knee during practice, and probably won’t play on Sunday. Nevertheless, Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers “O” should have little trouble with the Bengals’ defense.

The Bengals defense allows a whopping 156.8 rushing yards per game. This will play to the Steelers’ strength. Even with Parker out, the Steelers should have success running against the Bengals.

Surprisingly, the Bengals pass defense is very good. They are ranked #4 in the NFL, right behind the Steelers. They have an attacking defense that really tries to get after the quarterback. The Bengals are in the top 10 in the NFL in blitz frequency. Despite their frequent blitzes, the Bengals have been unable to convert their pass rush into actual sacks. The team has only 5 sacks on the year. By contrast, Steelers linebacker James Harrison has 6.5 sacks all by himself, and LaMarr Woodley has 5.5 sacks.

The one bright spot for the Bengals is that their kick returner, Glenn Holt, leads the NFL in kickoff return yards. However, that statistic is misleading. Holt is actually not even in the top 15 in the NFL in yards per kickoff return. His statistics are due to the fact that he has the highest number of kickoff return attempts in the NFL. That is the one statistic that a team DOES NOT want to lead the league in. If your team is getting more opportunities to return kickoffs than any other team in the league, it is usually because your defense is allowing more touchdowns than any other team in the NFL. Ouch!

I predict an easy Steelers win, with a final score of 24-7.

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During the Steelers 2008 training camp, NT Casey Hampton (aka “Big Snack”) arrived weighing almost 400 lbs.

"Big Snack"

Coach Tomlin wasn’t happy about this, and placed Hampton in the physically unable to perform (PUP) list. Tomlin made Hampton run laps until he shed the excess weight.

Run big fella!

Hampton still loves to eat, but he wants to stay out of Coach Tomlin’s doghouse, so he now does his snacking in secret. Each week, we will be sneaking into the Steelers’ locker room and peaking into Hampton’s locker to see what snacks he is hiding from Coach Tomlin. Stop by every Wednesday to see Big Snack’s latest snack.

Today’s Snack:

Yummm, beefy!

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As the Steelers prepare to play the Bungles Bengals, I started thinking about how the two teams compared. Of course, this got me thinking about how the two cities compare. Here are my top 10 reasons why Pittsburgh is better than Cincinnati.

#10) When you look across the river from downtown Cincinnati, you see Kentucky. Advantage: Pittsburgh.

I'm from Kentucky, y'all!

#9) The worst item from Primanti Bros. is better than the BEST item from Skyline Chili. Advantage: Pittsburgh.

#8) The Pitt Panthers own the Cincinnati Bearcats in Big East Basketball. Advantage: Pittsburgh.

Pitt wins again!!

#7) Steelers players don’t have to bring their parole officers to games with them. Advantage: Pittsburgh.

#6) Cincinnati’s most famous son is Jerry Springer. In fact, he used to be the city’s mayor. No kidding. Look it up. Cincinnati should repent for that. Advantage: Pittsburgh.

Mr. Mayor

#5) Our hockey team is better than their hockey team. Oh wait, they don’t have a hockey team. Ha! Advantage: Pittsburgh.

#4) According to the database Statistics I Just Made Up, 79% of the Cincinnati Bengals wish they played for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Advantage: Pittsburgh.

#3) Downtown Cincinnati sits on the Ohio River. Even Cincinnati’s river was born in Pittsburgh. Advantage: Pittsburgh.

Who's your daddy?

#2) Ocho Stinko! Need I say more? Huge advantage: Pittsburgh.

Hines Ward is my idol.

#1) Five is better than zero. Advantage: Pittsburgh!!!

We hate to brag, but.......

As you can see, our highly scientific process proves definitively that Pittsburgh is better than Cincinnati. Now it’s time to kick their arses in football……..again!

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As our readers know, we here at Steelers Today are not just sports bloggers. We are also the holders of numerous patents for futuristic technology. Perpetual motion machines? We’ve got them. Cold fusion? Been there, done that. Pocket black holes? Ha! Primitive.

Of course, we understand that our technology is too dangerous to put in the hands of today’s society. However, occasionally we choose to use our superior technology for the benefit of Steeler Nation. Today is one of those days.

Since the Steelers have a bye today (Sunday, October 12, 2008), we are going to use one of our inventions, the chrono-transporter, to travel into the future to view a Steelers game that is occurring on this date 6 years in the future (Oct. 12, 2014).

As we step onto our time displacement platform, we are quickly transported to the year 2014. Today, the Steelers are facing their long-time rival, the Cleveland Browns. The game is being played in Cleveland at their newly built football stadium. The Browns sold naming rights for the stadium to a national restaurant chain. Now the Steelers will be playing their first game at Cleveland’s Chuck E. Cheese Stadium.

Even here in 2014, things are basically the same as they were in 2008. The annual tradition of beating the Browns is still intact. The Steelers have now won 21 consecutive games against the Browns.

As the game begins, U.S. President Sarah Palin is on-hand for this nationally televised game. She calls for a moment of silence before the game to commemorate all of the fallen American soldiers in the on-going wars in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, Russia, China, Mexico, and Iceland.

Once the game begins, Cleveland wins the coin toss, and Browns’ coach Bill Cowher chooses to receive. On the opening kickoff, Steelers linebacker and special teams captain James Harrison forces a fumble (his 13th forced fumble of the season) on the Browns’ kick returner. The Steelers fall on the ball in the endzone, and take a quick 7-0 lead.

The exact same thing happens on 4 consecutive plays. Before the Browns’ offense can even step onto the field, the Steelers have a 28-0 lead.

On the next kickoff, the Browns successfully field the kick and their offense finally takes the field. Starting quarterback Mark Sanchez is sacked on the very first play by Steelers All-Pro linebacker Lamarr Woodley. Sanchez is slow getting up, and is taken to the locker room for x-rays. Sanchez is replaced by career backup Brady Quinn.

On his first pass attempt, Quinn throws a short 4 yard pass to tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. The ball bounces off of Winslow’s hands, and chips the fingernail on his pinkie. Winslow collapses in pain, and is carried off the field on a stretcher. Winslow never returns to the game, and is seen throughout the game seated on the Browns’ bench crying like a little girl.

The Brown offense is forced to punt after an ineffective possession.

When the Steelers offense takes the field, 7-time Pro Bowl quarterback Ben Roethlisberger marches the Steelers offense down the field. Meeting little resistance from the hapless Browns’ defense, the Steelers quickly score on a 9 yard run by starting running back Gary Davis. Davis was elevated to the starting role when Steelers running backs Willie Parker, Rashard Mendenhall, and Mewelde Moore all signed with the Arizona Cardinals in the offseason.

When the Brown regain possession, Brady Quinn once again takes the field to lead the Browns offense. As has been the case throughout his career, Quinn plays like a deer in the headlights. He seems paralyzed in the face of the relentless Steelers pass rush. Quinn is sacked a record 17 times in the 1st half.

After a 1st half that is filled with much of the same, the Steelers go into half-time with a 44-0 lead.

In the second half, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin tries to have the game stopped due to the “mercy rule”. However, Tomlin is informed by the referees that the NFL has no “mercy rule”, and that his team will have to continue to play the hopelessly over-matched Browns.

In lieu of a mercy rule, Tomlin brings in his 3rd string for the remainder of the game. However, the Steelers’ 3rd string is just as successful against the Browns’ defense as their 1st string was. Forty five year old 3rd string quarterback Charlie Batch throws for 5 touchdowns, and the Steelers win by a final score of 79-0.

The consecutive win streak against the Browns continues.

Post-game notes: When asked after the game about his injury, Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. replies angrily, “Have you ever chipped a nail? It hurts!!”. He then proceeds to bawl like a baby.

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