In an unprecedented move, the NFL has fined the Pittsburgh Steelers for winning. The Steelers’ 35-3 victory over the Oakland Raiders drew a $500,000 fine from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
“I believe that parity is good for the game of football. The Steelers just don’t seem to understand that. This fine should send a very loud message to the Steelers organization; stop winning so much”.
Goodell expounded further on his vision for the NFL by stating, “I believe in a kinder, gentler NFL. That’s why I keep fining the Steelers’ players. Their brand of football is just too physical.”
“I’ve instructed the referees to punish teams that believe it’s okay to play aggressive, physical football. We are a civilized nation, and we deserve a civilized sport. Players don’t hit one another in baseball or basketball. Why should it be allowed in football?”
The Steelers were penalized 14 times for 163 yards in their 35-3 win over the Oakland Raiders. That’s almost more yards than the Raiders’ offense was able to generate during the entire game (182 net yards). Moreover, it established a new record for penalty yards by the Steelers.
“I was pleased by the referees’ performance”, said Goodell. “I believe that teams need to be more evenly matched. When one team is much better than the other team, it hurts the lesser team’s self-esteem. At least that’s what my therapist tells me”.
In a game that became almost comical at times due to the ridiculous penalties that were being called, the Steelers still managed to get a dominant win.
Safety Ryan Clark was penalized for a helmet-to-helmet hit on a play in which his helmet never came near the other player’s helmet. I guess the referees think that the receiver’s helmet is located below his shoulder pads, because that’s where Clark hit him.
In another silly play, James Harrison (who seems to be Public Enemy #1 with Roger Goodell) was penalized for roughing the passer on a play where he clearly had no possibility of stopping his forward momentum.
“The Steelers are just too good”, said Roger Goodell. “They seem to be heading for another playoff run, and potentially a 7th Lombardi Trophy. That’s just being greedy, and I’m not going to tolerate that!”
In another unprecedented move, Goodell also issued fines to several Steelers for plays that would have been celebrated in years past.
Wide receiver Mike Wallace was issued a $50,000 fine for scoring a 52 yard touchdown in the 4th quarter.
“That kid’s just too fast. It’s not fair”, said Roger Goodell. “Besides, the Steelers were already leading by 18 points. Was it necessary for them to score again? They are going to have to learn to consider their opponents’ feelings. Perhaps this fine will give Mike Wallace something to think about. I’ll bet he’ll run slower next time”.
Safety Troy Polamalu also received a $50,000 fine for his interception against the Raiders.
“I felt that Troy’s interception was unsportsmanlike”, Goodell explained. “The Steelers were winning by a significant margin. There was no need for Troy to intercept the ball”.
Finally, Steelers linebacker James Harrison was fined $150,000 for his overall aggressiveness during the game.
When asked about Harrison’s fine, Roger Goodell replied, “That guy’s just got too much fire in his belly. He needs to be cooled off. Would it hurt him to give his opponents an occasional hug? He’s such a meanie. I’m going to keep fining him until he learns to be nice to the other teams”.
Goodell explained the genesis of his new vision for the NFL. “I was watching Dr. Phil, and he said that winning and losing shouldn’t be emphasized in sports. Participation should be the key. Emphasis on winning and losing only instill competitiveness in athletes, and it leads to hurt feelings. We wouldn’t want to see that, would we?”
Despite the poor officiating, and the resulting fines by Goodell, the Steelers still managed to achieve a dominant victory, and remain tied with the Baltimore Ravens atop the AFC North.
Editor’s note: Like much of what we write at Steelers Today, this article was written in jest. The Steelers were not fined for winning. However, it would not surprise us if a few Steelers received fines for today’s game.
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