On Sunday hence, the valiant Steelers of Pittsburgh journey to the land of Baltimore to take on their long-time nemesis, the hated Ravens. Supremacy of the kingdom called the AFC North hangs in the balance.
This contest shapes up as a battle of good versus evil. It’s Superman vs. Lex Luthor, Barack Obama vs. George Bush, Miracle Whip vs. Mayonnaise, and the other girls on “The View” vs. that Hasselbeck chick, all rolled into one.
Representing the forces of darkness, we have the Baltimore Ravens. You know, Ray Lewis, Bart Scott, Ed Reed (the second best safety in the NFL after Troy Polamalu), Willis McGahee, and the rest of the villainous thugs from the rancorous land of Baltimore. Everybody knows about Baltimore. That’s the foul village where the tale of “The Wire” was told. Anyone who has heard the tale of The Wire knows that just about everybody who lives in Baltimore only wants to do one thing; pop a cap in your @$$. Yes, Baltimore is a land of great wickedness.
Representing the forces of good, we have the Pittsburgh Steelers (cue harp music). You know, the gallant knights Troy Polamalu (the guy who is better than Ed Reed), Big Ben, Sir Willie, Friar James, and the rest of the noble men of steel. The Steelers are the embodiment of goodness and virtue; the opposite of the Baltimore Ravens.
The most famous tale to ever eminate from Pittsburgh was tale of friendly Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. You remember Mr. Rogers, don’t you? He was the kindly gentleman who taught children helpful lessons like being respectful of their parents and how to play nicely with one another. See the difference between “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” and “The Wire” ? Well that’s the difference between Pittsburgh and Baltimore. The noble Steelers versus the foul Ravens. Good versus evil.
The Ravens’ most famous warrior is Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis is from a slimy swamp called “The U”. ”The U” is a fabled land that is known for spawning foul, hideous, smelly creatures. Kellen Winslow Jr. is from”The U”. Need we say more? Ray Lewis is a vile but powerful warrior. He is evil incarnate.
The Baltimore Ravens weren’t always evil. Once upon a time, the Ravens were the harmless Cleveland Browns. They dwelt in the dirty but peaceful place called the land of Cleve. The Browns were faithfully worshiped by the simple, uneducated folk of the Land of Cleve. But then an evil wizard, Art Modell, demanded that the poor farmers of the Land of Cleve build him a giant castle lest he take their Browns away from them. When the gentle country folk of Cleveland were unable to meet the wizard’s demands, he snatched the Browns away from the powerless peasants, and transported them to the more dastardly land called Baltimore. Modell knew that the vile denizens of Baltimore would be much more supportive of his wicked shenanigans. Drawing upon arcane magicks, the wizard Modell tranformed the harmless Browns into the villainous Ravens. Since then, the Ravens’ evil has grown, unchecked by civilized folk.
To break the Ravens’ reign, the forces of good (the Steelers) must vanquish the Ravens in the midst of their halls of power (M&T Stadium). The Ravens are at their most powerful at M&T Stadium, where they draw from the macabre energies of their worshipers.
With the power of their followers flowing into them, the Ravens are almost unbeatable in their lair. The Ravens draw further power from The One Ring. The One Ring was given to the Ravens in 2001 after Super Bowl XXXV. The One Ring represents the lone noteworthy accomplishment by the Ravens. Without it, they are nothing.
To defeat the Ravens, the Steelers will have to draw upon the power of The Five Rings. The Five Rings is a source of far greater power than The One Ring.
The Steelers last defeated the Ravens in their evil lair in 2002. The Steelers were only able to defeat them there in 2002 because they had the valiant Prince Bettis fighting by their side. Without Prince Bettis, victory is far more difficult. However, the Steelers do have Prince Bettis’ young apprentice, Sir Willie, to help lead them to victory.
If the Ravens win, it will usher in a new era of struggle. The Steelers and Ravens will find themselves locked in a battle to the finish for rulership of the kingdom of AFC North.
If the Steelers are victorious, then goodness and light will continue to shine upon the AFC North. The Steelers will likely win the AFC North and a 1st round playoff bye. Songs will be sung, and we will eat, drink, and be merry.
May the power of The Five Rings be with the men of steel.
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