The Mind Of: Hines Ward
Here at Steelers Today, we are not just football fans, but we are also among the world’s foremost authorities on robotics and nanotechnology. We’ve developed tiny nanobots that are capable of converting the brain’s electrical impulses into a signal that can be transmitted to our proprietary receivers. In short, we’ve developed tiny mind reading machines.
We could have used our invention for the good of mankind, or to make billions of dollars, or to get chicks. Instead we decided to put it to a much better use. We will use our technology to help our readers gain better insight into some of their favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. This week, we will share some of our secret files that come directly from the mind of Steelers receiver Hines Ward.
Steelers receiver Hines Ward
September 13, 2008. 3:30AM. Hines Ward is sleeping.
(Ward is dreaming that the Steelers have just completed next year’s NFL draft, and that they drafted a wide receiver in EVERY round in an effort to replace him. Ward wakes up trembling and covered with sweat.)
Mrs. Hines Ward says: “Hines! Hines! Wake up! You’re having that nightmare again. You’ve got to get help, Hines. You have the same dream every night!”
Hines Ward says: “I don’t want to get help. I need the dreams. They give me my edge and make me stronger. I have to get up and workout now. I need to stay ahead of the competition”.
(Hines proceeds to get out of bed and perform his daily 4 hour morning workout. Throughout his workout, Ward’s mind is focused on all of the young receivers who want to take his job.)
September 13, 2008. 8:00AM. Ward is walking his dog “Plaxico” :
What Plaxico actually says: “Woof! Woof!”
What Hines Ward hears: “You’re getting old, Hines. I wish I were Limas Sweed’s dog”.
September 13, 2008. 5:00 p.m. Ward is ordering food at a fast food restaurant:
What McBurger employee actually says: “Would you like to supersize your order, Mr. Ward?”
What Hines Ward hears: “I’m glad the Steelers finally drafted a receiver with some size, Shrimpo”.
September 14, 2008. Steelers are playing the Cleveland Browns and Ward has just dropped a pass:
What Bruce Arians actually says: “Good try Hines. You’ll get ‘em next time”.
What Hines Ward hears: “Troy Edwards would have caught that pass. We’ll keep him instead of you next time”.
September 14, 2008. Hines Ward catches touchdown pass:
What Ben Roethlisberger actually says: “You’re off to a great start, Hines. That’s 3 touchdown catches already”.
What Hines Ward hears: “If Plaxico Burress were here, I’d have 3 Superbowl rings already. ”
Plax wins Superbowl
September 14, 2008. Steelers locker room after Steelers victory.
What Mike Tomlin actually says: “Great game, Hines! You’re a Pro Bowler in my book”.
What Hines Ward hears: “You’re cut, Hines! Bring me your playbook”.
So there you have it. Fans have always known that Hines Ward uses the smallest perceived insult as a form of motivation. Most fans assumed that Hines wasn’t really insulted, but was just psyching himself up for games. But our nanobots have revealed that Hines Ward isn’t faking.
Our data shows that the player that holds most of the Pittsburgh Steelers’ receiving records, and who was recently voted by NFL coaches as the “smartest offensive player in the NFL”, is actually motivated by paranoid delusions. Our data also shows that Hines Ward is a player on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Furthermore, we’ve discovered that it would only take two words to push him over the edge. So whenever Hines is present, please make sure nobody says the words………………….”Santonio Holmes”.
What really motivates Hines Ward.
Very funny. But leave Hines alone! He’s my favorite player.
1Looking for a site that will allow me to be honest about what was wrong with the steelers this season. Let’s see if this is it.
2In short, the steelers secondary absolutely stunk! How in the world can you gaurd a receiver with your back to him? I never understood that. Many times the ball would be thrown to a guy and the cornerbacks had their backs to him. Why would you give a receiver a 10 yard cushion and he only needs 5 yards to get a first down? Makes no sense! Ike Taylor stinks ! I’ll bet you he cant even catch a cold. If he catches a ball thrown right at him, we win that game and are probably in the playoffs. I never thought that missing one guy would mean so much to a team. But the Steelers obviously missed Troy. William Gay plays gay. He is too little to play out there. He cant jump with the bigger boys and he certainly can not keep up with them running. Limas Sweed is tall. That’s it. Just tall. He cant catch when it really counts. No speed, no agility, just tall. Ben, too too too much pride. When your hurt, come out of the game and get yourself better so you can help the team, not hurt them. Tyrone Carter, constantly getting beat deep, constantly. And you know Troy was trying to help him out there. No talent! That’s all that was, no talent. You werent even close to a receiver the whole time you played for Troy. I know one thing, I know what the back of your jersey looks like. That’s all we seen, you running to catch somebody after being beat deep.
I could go on but to shorten it up a bit, the reason I saw as to why we lost all those games is the secondary. The Steelers need some lock down corners and a safety able to fly to the ball when it is in the air and be able to tackle when he gets there.