Future Steelers beat future Browns 79-0.
As our readers know, we here at Steelers Today are not just sports bloggers. We are also the holders of numerous patents for futuristic technology. Perpetual motion machines? We’ve got them. Cold fusion? Been there, done that. Pocket black holes? Ha! Primitive.
Of course, we understand that our technology is too dangerous to put in the hands of today’s society. However, occasionally we choose to use our superior technology for the benefit of Steeler Nation. Today is one of those days.
Since the Steelers have a bye today (Sunday, October 12, 2008), we are going to use one of our inventions, the chrono-transporter, to travel into the future to view a Steelers game that is occurring on this date 6 years in the future (Oct. 12, 2014).
As we step onto our time displacement platform, we are quickly transported to the year 2014. Today, the Steelers are facing their long-time rival, the Cleveland Browns. The game is being played in Cleveland at their newly built football stadium. The Browns sold naming rights for the stadium to a national restaurant chain. Now the Steelers will be playing their first game at Cleveland’s Chuck E. Cheese Stadium.
Even here in 2014, things are basically the same as they were in 2008. The annual tradition of beating the Browns is still intact. The Steelers have now won 21 consecutive games against the Browns.
As the game begins, U.S. President Sarah Palin is on-hand for this nationally televised game. She calls for a moment of silence before the game to commemorate all of the fallen American soldiers in the on-going wars in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, Russia, China, Mexico, and Iceland.
Once the game begins, Cleveland wins the coin toss, and Browns’ coach Bill Cowher chooses to receive. On the opening kickoff, Steelers linebacker and special teams captain James Harrison forces a fumble (his 13th forced fumble of the season) on the Browns’ kick returner. The Steelers fall on the ball in the endzone, and take a quick 7-0 lead.
The exact same thing happens on 4 consecutive plays. Before the Browns’ offense can even step onto the field, the Steelers have a 28-0 lead.
On the next kickoff, the Browns successfully field the kick and their offense finally takes the field. Starting quarterback Mark Sanchez is sacked on the very first play by Steelers All-Pro linebacker Lamarr Woodley. Sanchez is slow getting up, and is taken to the locker room for x-rays. Sanchez is replaced by career backup Brady Quinn.
On his first pass attempt, Quinn throws a short 4 yard pass to tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. The ball bounces off of Winslow’s hands, and chips the fingernail on his pinkie. Winslow collapses in pain, and is carried off the field on a stretcher. Winslow never returns to the game, and is seen throughout the game seated on the Browns’ bench crying like a little girl.
The Brown offense is forced to punt after an ineffective possession.
When the Steelers offense takes the field, 7-time Pro Bowl quarterback Ben Roethlisberger marches the Steelers offense down the field. Meeting little resistance from the hapless Browns’ defense, the Steelers quickly score on a 9 yard run by starting running back Gary Davis. Davis was elevated to the starting role when Steelers running backs Willie Parker, Rashard Mendenhall, and Mewelde Moore all signed with the Arizona Cardinals in the offseason.
When the Brown regain possession, Brady Quinn once again takes the field to lead the Browns offense. As has been the case throughout his career, Quinn plays like a deer in the headlights. He seems paralyzed in the face of the relentless Steelers pass rush. Quinn is sacked a record 17 times in the 1st half.
After a 1st half that is filled with much of the same, the Steelers go into half-time with a 44-0 lead.
In the second half, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin tries to have the game stopped due to the “mercy rule”. However, Tomlin is informed by the referees that the NFL has no “mercy rule”, and that his team will have to continue to play the hopelessly over-matched Browns.
In lieu of a mercy rule, Tomlin brings in his 3rd string for the remainder of the game. However, the Steelers’ 3rd string is just as successful against the Browns’ defense as their 1st string was. Forty five year old 3rd string quarterback Charlie Batch throws for 5 touchdowns, and the Steelers win by a final score of 79-0.
The consecutive win streak against the Browns continues.
Post-game notes: When asked after the game about his injury, Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. replies angrily, “Have you ever chipped a nail? It hurts!!”. He then proceeds to bawl like a baby.
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Freaking halarious.
1Thanks. I appreciate the feedback. There wasn’t much else to write about during a bye week, so I was hoping my readers would enjoy my little joke.
2