To paraphrase the Apollo 13 astronauts, “Pittsburgh, we have a problem”.
Our problems is 6’4″, weighs 225 lbs., and goes by the name “Brady”.
That’s right, I’m talking about Tom Brady. You know him, don’t you? He’s the pesky New England Patriots quarterback who has an annoying habit of beating the Steelers.
I once wrote an article called “I hate Bill Belichick“. That article was the inspiration for this one. You see, I do hate Tom Brady. Hate, hate, hate!
I’ve never actually met Tom Brady. He’s never caused me physical harm. He’s never insulted my mother. I’ve never heard him refer to anyone using a racial slur. He doesn’t kill kittens or puppies. As far as I know, he’s a decent guy. But I still hate him.
The reason that I hate Tom Brady has nothing to do with anything that he’s done to me personally. Rather, it’s based on what he does to my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers; he beats them.
Tom Brady is 6-1 against the Steelers. That means he’s beaten them 86% of the time. $#@&^%#!!!!!!!!
Brady has beaten the Steelers in New England. And he’s beaten them in Pittsburgh. He’s beaten them in the regular season. And he’s beaten them in the playoffs.
Brady has thrown for over 2,000 yards against the Steelers. He’s tossed 14 touchdown passes against them. And while throwing all of those passes, he’s seldom been sacked or intercepted. See why I hate him?
The last time the Steelers faced the Patriots, Brady threw for 350 yards. He tossed 3 touchdown passes during that game, and he ran for a 4th TD. Grrrrrrr!!! I’m getting mad just thinking about it.
As much as it hurts to admit it, Tom Brady is one of the most cerebral quarterbacks in the NFL. He dissects defenses the way high school biology students dissect frogs.
Under Brady’s leadership, the Patriots have scored 30 points or more in 13 of their last 14 games. The Patriots are ranked 1st in the NFL in passing offense, averaging over 350 yards per game. So I’m sure that it’s not just Steelers fans who hate Brady.
But it’s the Steelers who have to face Brady this weekend, so our hatred probably runs deepest right now.
I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I’ve come up with the only logical solution to the problem. Tom Brady must die!
Now where did I put my friend Vito’s telephone number? He’ll handle this problem quietly, and permanently.