It’s Steelers vs Browns Day today. Steelers vs Browns Day is a local holiday in Pittsburgh. It is a day of joy, celebration, and good cheer. It’s kind of like Christmas, only with beer.
Pittsburghers wake up early for Steelers vs Browns Day. They know that they have to get to Giant Eagle early before all of the party supplies sell out. Steelers fans adorn themselves in black and gold, and cries of “Here we go Steelers, here we go!!” can be heard throughout the city.
On Steelers vs Browns Day, citizens of Pittsburgh engage in random acts of kindness. Tailgaters share food with total strangers. Drivers on the Parkway yield and allow other drivers to merge in front of them (something that never happens outside of Steelers vs Browns Day). Children give their toys to those less fortunate than themselves. All debts are forgiven, and grudges are forgotten. Steelers vs Browns Day is truly “the most wonderful time of the year”.
In Cleveland, they also have an official holiday. It is called Browns vs Steelers Day. Browns vs Steelers Day is very different from Steelers vs Browns Day. Browns vs Steelers Day is a day of sorrow and mourning. Cleveland Browns fans rue Browns vs Steelers Day. Browns vs Steelers Day is kind of like 9/11, the anniversary of your marriage to your ex-wife (b*tch!), the day the space shuttle Challenger exploded, and the day Kennedy was assassinated, all rolled into one terrible, miserable day.
Liquor stores in Cleveland open at 4:00 AM on Browns vs Steelers Day. By 6:00 AM, all of the hard liquor has completely sold off the shelves as poor, devoted Browns fans attempt to numb themselves to the pain that is to follow later that day.
In an odd meteorological miracle, the sun has never shone on Browns vs Steelers Day. Instead, a dark cloud hovers over the city, blocking out all light, and leaving Cleveland’s citizens feeling cold and sullen. It also frequently rains on Browns vs Steelers Day. Browns vs Steelers Day inevitably results in more suicides in Cleveland than the other 364 days of the year combined.
On Browns vs Steelers Day, Cleveland Browns fans engage in random acts of meanness. They kick their dogs and drown their cats. Children are sent to their rooms for no apparent reason and are not allowed to play with their toys or do anything fun. Browns-loving parents want to teach their children early in life that Browns vs Steelers Day is not to be enjoyed. It is a day of sorrow. Joy, mirth, laughter, fun, and other similar emotions are temporarily banned in Cleveland.
Lastly, Browns fans don’t speak to anyone on Browns vs Steelers Day (especially not to known Steelers fans). Even if they have family in Pittsburgh, they are prohibited from calling them. Cleveland’s local government passed the total silence legislation in an attempt to reduce the suicide rate on Browns vs Steelers Day. Their studies showed that listening to taunting from Steelers fans was the #1 cause of suicide among Browns fans.
That’s about all there is to know about these two related, but very different, holidays. If you’re from Cleveland, happy Browns versus Steelers Day. Try to buy a bottle of Jack Daniels before it all disappears from the shelves. If you’re from Pittsburgh, happy Steelers vs Browns Day! Enjoy the parade.