September 28, 2009
By Donald Starver
Okay Ashton, you can come out now. I know that you’re out there. I’m no fool. I know when I’m being Punk’d.
Did you really think that I’d fall for this little prank of yours, Mr. Kutcher? Nope, I know better than that. I know that there is no way that the Pittsburgh Steelers could have possibly lost to the Cincinnati Bengals yesterday.
I know that anytime the Steelers score on their first 3 possession, while forcing their opponent to punt on their first 4 possessions, the Steelers are going to win the game.
I know that anytime Ben Roethlisberger throws for almost 100 more yards than Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer, the Steelers are definitely going to win.
I know that if Willie Parker finally regained his form and rushed for almost 100 yards (93 yards on 25 carries, to be exact), that is the formula for a Steelers’ victory.
I know that if the Steelers’ passing offense is clicking so well that Big Ben completes passes to 8 different receivers, including 102 receiving yards to rookie wide receiver Mike Wallace, then the Steelers are going to win the game.
Did you really think that you could fool me into believing that the Steelers would let Hines Ward lose the game in which he surpassed 10,000 yards receiving for his career?
Did you really think that I’d believe that the Steelers’ defense could hold Carson Palmer to only 183 yards passing and still lose the game?
I’m sure you didn’t think that I would believe that the Steelers could dominate the time of possession by almost 10 minutes and still find a way to lose.
Nope, I’m not stupid enough to believe that any of that could happen anywhere but in one of your stupid pranks. So you may as well come out from hiding, Ashton. I know that you’re out there.
Do you know what really blew it for you? Do you want to know how I knew for sure that I was being Punk’d? You went too far. You made your little joke too unbelievable.
I know that there is NO WAY that normally dependable kicker Jeff Reed could miss another field goal wide left after missing two such attempts last game. Jeff Reed never misses 3 field goals in 2 games. Never. So that was a sure sign that this was one of your corny little pranks.
Then you had sophomore receiver Limas Sweed drop a sure touchdown that even the most incompetent wide receiver couldn’t possibly have dropped. That was another definite sign that this was a bad joke. You were trying to remind me of Sweed’s similar drop in last year’s AFC championship game. It was a funny piece of deja vu, but it was too over-the-top. It was a dead giveaway that you were involved in this debacle.
But the final clue that I was being Punk’d was when you had the Steelers’ defense allow the Bengals to score two touchdowns in the 4th quarter after holding them to only 9 points in the first 3 quarters. That was just too impossible to believe. When that happened, your cover was blown. I knew that it had to be a prank.
I did see the humor of having the Steelers finish the game with the exact same record as the Detroit Lions and the Oakland Raiders. That was actually pretty funny. It was completely unbelievable, but funny nonetheless.
You really need to learn to make your little jokes a bit more subtle. That way, they’ll be more believable for your victims. While I did appreciate the drama of having the Bengals score their final touchdown with only 14 seconds left in the game, it was too obviously staged. I know the Steelers’ defense. I know that they would never lose a game that was that close to victory.
So save your little prank for someone who will actually believe it. I’m just not gullible enough to fall for it. Did you really think that I would believe any of those things could ACTUALLY happen? I’m not that stupid.
So you may as well come out of hiding, Ashton. I know you’re out there. I’ve seen your show before. I can smell one of your pranks a mile away.
Ashton! Ashton! Where are you?
(If you enjoyed this article, please consider leaving a comment below. Also, please subscribe to our blog by pressing the orange button below. You can also follow us on Facebook or Twitter by clicking the doohickies at the bottom of the right column of this page. Thanks.)