Steelers Today – A Pittsburgh Steelers blog

As the Pittsburgh Steelers prepare to play the Cleveland Browns, I started thinking about the reasons why the Browns will lose.  Here are my top 10 reasons why the Browns will lose to the Steelers.

#10) Bruce Gradkowski is from Pittsburgh. He may be playing for Cleveland, but his heart will always be in Pittsburgh.  He hates the Browns as much as we do.

#9) Hines Ward. The only thing standing between Hines Ward and his fifth 1,000 yard season is the Cleveland Browns.  I’d hate to be the Browns.

#8) The Browns were shut out by the Bengals. That’s right, the Bengals!  14-0.  It’s hard to lose to the Bengals, but getting shut out by them is nearly impossible.

#7) Any team that’s named after a color deserves to lose. Teams should be named after animals.  Or clever references to the town in which they play.  Or racist nicknames for native americans.  But teams should NOT be named after colors.  How would the Los Angeles Lime Greens sound?  About as silly as the Cleveland Browns.

#6) It’s one of the Ten Commandments

Thou shalt not steal

Thou shalt not kill

Cleveland shalt not defeat Pittsburgh

#5) Kellen Winslow Jr.

#4) Mike Tomlin won’t let the Steelers take the game for granted. Meaningless game?  Use that term in front of Mike Tomlin, and you might just get punched in the face.  Mike Tomlin plays to win.  Period!

#3) Eleven is the Browns’ lucky number. Why stop at 10 straight losses to the Steelers?

#2) Braylon Edwards.

#1)  Inferior coaching. Romeo Crennel is the Elmer Fudd of coaching.   Who else could take the Browns’ roster and get shut out by the Bengals?  Crennel belongs in the Hall of Fame of bad coaches.

As you can see, the Browns have no chance of beating the Steelers.  Besides, they’re more comfortable losing.  Kellen Winslow Jr. is a born loser.  So is Braylon Edwards.  Why change now?

Generations of Cleveland fans have grown up losing to Pittsburgh.  It’s now genetically encoded into their DNA.  Cleveland losing to Pittsburgh is like The Penguin losing to Batman; it’s inevitable.

Losing to Pittsburgh is practically a law in Cleveland.  Fighting it would be like fighting gravity.  Some things are just meant to be.

So let’s watch and enjoy the game despite its inevitable conclusion.  Go Steelers!!!!

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Merry Christmas Steelers fans.  It’s Christmas day, and I’m traveling due to the holidays.  I don’t know how much access I am going to have to a computer while I’m on vacation.  Therefore, I decided to write my recap of this coming Sunday’s Steelers-Browns game now.  Some of you may be asking yourselves “how can he write a recap of the game before the game even happens?”  Well the answer to that question is pretty simple.  The Steelers have beaten the Browns 10 straight times.  The Browns haven’t scored a touchdown in five straight games.  So do you really think my recap will be that different if I write it before the game or after the game?  Neither do I.  Therefore, without further ado I present my Steelers-Browns recap.  Have a very happy holiday.

On Sunday, the Pittsburgh Steelers played the final regular season game of the 2008 season against their long-time rivals the Cleveland Browns.  The Browns came into the game nursing a bruised ego due to ten consecutive losses to the Steelers.

Both teams were seeking to rebound from losses the previous week.  The Steelers lost to the Tennessee Titans 31-14.  Meanwhile, the Browns were shut out by the lowly Cincinnati Bengals 14-0.

In what should have been a meaningless game for both teams, the Steelers entered the game determined to win and finish a sweep of their AFC North opponents.  When asked about resting veterans, Steelers’ head coach Mike Tomlin made it clear that his goal was to win the game, not to rest players for the playoffs.

The Browns were forced to start Bruce Gradkowski at quarterback.  Gradkowski had only joined the Browns 3 weeks earlier.  Both Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson had been placed on injured reserve (IR) by the Browns, then third string quarterback Ken Dorsey suffered a concussion and bruised ribs last week.  Thus, the Browns were forced to start Gradkowski at quarterback.

Gradkowski faced pressure from the very beginning.  Mike Tomlin and Dick LeBeau chose to start linebacker James Harrison despite a hip injury that Harrison had suffered last week against the Titans, and Harrison proved that to be a smart decision.  In the first quarter, Harrison beat Browns tackle Joe Thomas and recorded his 17th sack of the season.  Fellow linebacker LaMarr Woodley also got into the action and sacked Gradkowski in the first quarter.

To make matters even more difficult for Gradkowski, Browns’ starting wide receiver Braylon Edwards dropped several passes that probably should have been caught.  Edwards has been a model of consistency this season.  Prior to Sunday’s game against the Steelers, Edwards had recorded a reception in 57 consecutive games.  Unfortunately, Edwards had also dropped at least one catchable pass in 75 consecutive games.

Edwards has not been a fan favorite in Cleveland, and earlier in the year, he claimed that Browns fans didn’t like him because he played for Michigan.  He failed to consider the possibility that fans might not like him because he drops too many passes.

Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor shadowed Braylon Edwards through most of the game.  He harassed him all game long, and caused Edwards to end the game without a single reception, thus ending his 57 game streak.

Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. whined through much of the game, and he was actually seen crying several times during the game after hits by Steelers’ safety Troy Polamalu.

Browns head coach Romeo Crennel made several puzzling calls during the game, including attempting a 73 yard field goal, three failed on-side kicks, punting the ball from the Steelers’ 13 yard line rather than attempting a field goal, and calling a quarterback sneak on a 4th and 11 play.  Crennel was fired immediately following the game.

On offense, the Steelers were able to run the ball at will.  This didn’t come as much of a surprise, since Bengals running back Cedrick Benson had torched the Browns for 171 yards rushing the previous week.  Willie Parker and Mewelde Moore combined for over 200 yards rushing.

Steelers’ quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who had fumbled 4 times and thrown 2 interceptions against the Tennessee Titans, was much more careful with the ball this week.  Roethlisberger completed 11 of 13 passes in the first half and threw 1 touchdown pass before being replaced by backup Byron Leftwich in the second half.  Despite his earlier claim that he had no intention of resting players, Coach Mike Tomlin decided to sit Roethlisberger for the entire second half in an apparent effort to avoid injuring his quarterback during a meaningless game.

Replacing Roethlisberger, Leftwich threw 2 touchdown passes in the second half.  Running back Mewelde Moore also ran for a touchdown.

The Steelers’ defense kept the Browns from scoring a touchdown for a sixth straight game, as the Steelers beat the Browns 31-6.  The Browns were able to score two field goals, but were kept out of the endzone by the stingy Steelers defense.

The Steelers will now get to rest during their first round playoff bye.  They will await the results of the first round playoff games to see who they will play in round two.  Regardless of who their opponent will be, the Steelers take comfort in knowing that they will have to come to Heinz Field where the Steelers are very hard to beat.

Also, please see our Top 10 Reasons the Browns Will Lose To The Steelers found here.

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As our readers know, we here at Steelers Today are not just sports bloggers. We are also the holders of numerous patents for futuristic technology. Perpetual motion machines? We’ve got them. Cold fusion? Been there, done that. Pocket black holes? Ha! Primitive.

Of course, we understand that our technology is too dangerous to put in the hands of today’s society. However, occasionally we choose to use our superior technology for the benefit of Steeler Nation. Today is one of those days.

Since the Steelers have a bye today (Sunday, October 12, 2008), we are going to use one of our inventions, the chrono-transporter, to travel into the future to view a Steelers game that is occurring on this date 6 years in the future (Oct. 12, 2014).

As we step onto our time displacement platform, we are quickly transported to the year 2014. Today, the Steelers are facing their long-time rival, the Cleveland Browns. The game is being played in Cleveland at their newly built football stadium. The Browns sold naming rights for the stadium to a national restaurant chain. Now the Steelers will be playing their first game at Cleveland’s Chuck E. Cheese Stadium.

Even here in 2014, things are basically the same as they were in 2008. The annual tradition of beating the Browns is still intact. The Steelers have now won 21 consecutive games against the Browns.

As the game begins, U.S. President Sarah Palin is on-hand for this nationally televised game. She calls for a moment of silence before the game to commemorate all of the fallen American soldiers in the on-going wars in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, Russia, China, Mexico, and Iceland.

Once the game begins, Cleveland wins the coin toss, and Browns’ coach Bill Cowher chooses to receive. On the opening kickoff, Steelers linebacker and special teams captain James Harrison forces a fumble (his 13th forced fumble of the season) on the Browns’ kick returner. The Steelers fall on the ball in the endzone, and take a quick 7-0 lead.

The exact same thing happens on 4 consecutive plays. Before the Browns’ offense can even step onto the field, the Steelers have a 28-0 lead.

On the next kickoff, the Browns successfully field the kick and their offense finally takes the field. Starting quarterback Mark Sanchez is sacked on the very first play by Steelers All-Pro linebacker Lamarr Woodley. Sanchez is slow getting up, and is taken to the locker room for x-rays. Sanchez is replaced by career backup Brady Quinn.

On his first pass attempt, Quinn throws a short 4 yard pass to tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. The ball bounces off of Winslow’s hands, and chips the fingernail on his pinkie. Winslow collapses in pain, and is carried off the field on a stretcher. Winslow never returns to the game, and is seen throughout the game seated on the Browns’ bench crying like a little girl.

The Brown offense is forced to punt after an ineffective possession.

When the Steelers offense takes the field, 7-time Pro Bowl quarterback Ben Roethlisberger marches the Steelers offense down the field. Meeting little resistance from the hapless Browns’ defense, the Steelers quickly score on a 9 yard run by starting running back Gary Davis. Davis was elevated to the starting role when Steelers running backs Willie Parker, Rashard Mendenhall, and Mewelde Moore all signed with the Arizona Cardinals in the offseason.

When the Brown regain possession, Brady Quinn once again takes the field to lead the Browns offense. As has been the case throughout his career, Quinn plays like a deer in the headlights. He seems paralyzed in the face of the relentless Steelers pass rush. Quinn is sacked a record 17 times in the 1st half.

After a 1st half that is filled with much of the same, the Steelers go into half-time with a 44-0 lead.

In the second half, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin tries to have the game stopped due to the “mercy rule”. However, Tomlin is informed by the referees that the NFL has no “mercy rule”, and that his team will have to continue to play the hopelessly over-matched Browns.

In lieu of a mercy rule, Tomlin brings in his 3rd string for the remainder of the game. However, the Steelers’ 3rd string is just as successful against the Browns’ defense as their 1st string was. Forty five year old 3rd string quarterback Charlie Batch throws for 5 touchdowns, and the Steelers win by a final score of 79-0.

The consecutive win streak against the Browns continues.

Post-game notes: When asked after the game about his injury, Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. replies angrily, “Have you ever chipped a nail? It hurts!!”. He then proceeds to bawl like a baby.

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The Steelers and Browns have been playing one another since dinosaurs walked the earth. The two teams are natural enemies like cats and dogs (although Steelers and Browns is more analogous to sharks and seals or lions and gazelles).

I have followed this storied rivalry since the late 1960′s, I have seen both teams win their fair share of these contests. Over that time, I have developed a hatred for certain Cleveland Browns players. Here is my list of my top 10 most hated Cleveland Browns.

#1 – Joe “Turkey” Jones

“Turkey” Jones will always be public enemy #1 in Pittsburgh. For those of you who are too young to remember Turkey Jones and the play that made him infamous, let me take you back down memory lane.

It was October 10, 1976, and the Steelers were playing their arch-rival, the Cleveland Browns. The Browns had signed Turkey Jones to their roster specifically to try to injure Steelers’ quarterback Terry Bradshaw. Prior to that game, Jones had been a prisoner in a maximum security penitentiary. The Governor of Ohio gave him a pardon so he could join the Browns to play against the Steelers. The Governor made a secret agreement with Jones; hurt Bradshaw and win your freedom.

The Steelers were beating the Browns 79-3, when the Browns sent in Turkey Jones to do his dirty work. Jones knew that he could never get past the Steelers’ vaunted offensive line, so he waited until after the refs had blown a play dead and Terry Bradshaw was walking back to the huddle. Jones had to make sure that Bradshaw and the other Steelers’ backs were turned, since no Brown would ever challenge a Steeler face-to-face. When he knew that Bradshaw wasn’t looking, Jones sprinted towards Bradshaw, picked him up in the air, turned him upside down, and slammed him head first into the ground. A loud applause rose among the unwashed Cleveland fans. Simultaneously, Steelers fans and the rest of the civilized world looked on in utter shock and horror.

As Bradshaw hit the ground head first, most fans thought that his spine would snap. Bradshaw’s body spasmed violently as he writhed in pain. But before anyone could react, Turkey Jones proceeded to stomp repeatedly on the helpless Bradshaw’s throwing hand in an attempt to injure him further. Finally, he gave Bradshaw a brutal kick to the face before he was apprehended by the police.

Due to the secret arrangement between Jones and the Ohio Governor, Jones was released by the Cleveland police as soon as they got him safely away from Municipal Stadium. Turkey Jones has lived in a Browns-owned mansion in Shaker Heights ever since, and he draws a secret pension of $1,000,000 per year that is paid for by the Cleveland City Council.

You may find very different versions of this story in other places like ESPN, NFL.com, Google, Wikipedia, etc. This is due to the Cleveland Browns’ propaganda machine successfully revising all written (and video) accounts of the incident. But we here at Steelers Today remember the true story.

#2 – Joe “Turkey” Jones

YouTube removed the video of the play that I had here.  But trust me when I tell you that it was the dirtiest play in NFL history.  Curse you, Turkey Jones!!!!!!

#3 – Joe “Turkey” Jones

See #1 & #2.

#4 – Joe “Turkey” Jones

Did I mention that after kicking Bradshaw in the face, Jones proceeded to spit on him?

#5 – Joe “Turkey” Jones

A coward’s coward.

#6 – Kellen Winslow Jr.

Winslow is the antithesis of everything the Steelers stand for. He is arrogant, self-centered, self-aggrandizing, soft (though he pretends not to be), and he has never accomplished anything on the field. He has spent much of his career on the injured list. I believe one of those injuries occurred while being tackled by the Pittsburgh Steelers’ kicker (but I could be wrong). The others were thinly veiled excuses to avoid having to play the Steelers.

#7 – Braylon Edwards

See “#6-Kellen Winslow Jr.” Same guy, different jersey number.

#8 – Ozzie Newsome

Newsome was unstoppable as a player. That is reason enough to hate him. But now he is General Manager of the only team that Steelers fans hate more than the Cleveland Browns, the Baltimore Ravens. If it weren’t for Turkey Jones, Ozzie Newsome would be much higher on this list.

#9 – Eric Metcalf

To this day, I still don’t think a Steelers special teams player has ever tackled this guy. He wasn’t much of a running back, but he was a terror on kickoff and punt returns. We hate you Eric Metcalf!

#10 – Webster Slaughter

I’ll give Slaughter the greatest compliment I can ever give a Browns player; I wish he were a Steeler. Slaughter was good. Very good. When Slaughter was playing, he was the Browns player that I worried most about.

Addendum:  #11 – Joshua Cribbs

I know that this article originally only included the top 10.  However, based on what Joshua Cribbs has done against the Steelers in recent years, I have gone back and added his name to the list.  We hate you, Joshua Cribbs!!!!!!!!

Honorable mention

Brian Sipe, Michael Dean Perry, Bob Golic, Bernie Kosar, Paul Warfield

*Editor’s note: As with much of what we write at Steelers Today, this article is intended to be humorous. Several readers have informed us that they thought it was serious. Turkey Jones was not a convict who was hired to hurt Terry Bradshaw. He was simply a professional football player. While he did slam Terry Bradshaw on his head, he never kicked him in the face or spit on him. We apologize to Mr. Jones if anyone else didn’t realize that the article was a joke.

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