Here at Steelers Today, we are not just football fans, but we are also among the world’s foremost authorities on robotics and nanotechnology. We’ve developed tiny nanobots that are capable of converting the brain’s electrical impulses into a signal that can be transmitted to our proprietary receivers. In short, we’ve developed tiny mind reading machines.
We could have used our invention for the good of mankind, or to make billions of dollars, or to get chicks. Instead we decided to put it to a much better use. We will use our technology to help our readers gain better insight into some of their favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. This week, we will share some of our secret files that come directly from the mind of Steelers receiver Hines Ward.
September 13, 2008. 3:30AM. Hines Ward is sleeping.
(Ward is dreaming that the Steelers have just completed next year’s NFL draft, and that they drafted a wide receiver in EVERY round in an effort to replace him. Ward wakes up trembling and covered with sweat.)
Mrs. Hines Ward says: “Hines! Hines! Wake up! You’re having that nightmare again. You’ve got to get help, Hines. You have the same dream every night!”
Hines Ward says: “I don’t want to get help. I need the dreams. They give me my edge and make me stronger. I have to get up and workout now. I need to stay ahead of the competition”.
(Hines proceeds to get out of bed and perform his daily 4 hour morning workout. Throughout his workout, Ward’s mind is focused on all of the young receivers who want to take his job.)
September 13, 2008. 8:00AM. Ward is walking his dog “Plaxico” :
What Plaxico actually says: “Woof! Woof!”
What Hines Ward hears: “You’re getting old, Hines. I wish I were Limas Sweed’s dog”.
September 13, 2008. 5:00 p.m. Ward is ordering food at a fast food restaurant:
What McBurger employee actually says: “Would you like to supersize your order, Mr. Ward?”
What Hines Ward hears: “I’m glad the Steelers finally drafted a receiver with some size, Shrimpo”.
September 14, 2008. Steelers are playing the Cleveland Browns and Ward has just dropped a pass:
What Bruce Arians actually says: “Good try Hines. You’ll get ‘em next time”.
What Hines Ward hears: “Troy Edwards would have caught that pass. We’ll keep him instead of you next time”.
September 14, 2008. Hines Ward catches touchdown pass:
What Ben Roethlisberger actually says: “You’re off to a great start, Hines. That’s 3 touchdown catches already”.
What Hines Ward hears: “If Plaxico Burress were here, I’d have 3 Superbowl rings already. ”
September 14, 2008. Steelers locker room after Steelers victory.
What Mike Tomlin actually says: “Great game, Hines! You’re a Pro Bowler in my book”.
What Hines Ward hears: “You’re cut, Hines! Bring me your playbook”.
So there you have it. Fans have always known that Hines Ward uses the smallest perceived insult as a form of motivation. Most fans assumed that Hines wasn’t really insulted, but was just psyching himself up for games. But our nanobots have revealed that Hines Ward isn’t faking.
Our data shows that the player that holds most of the Pittsburgh Steelers’ receiving records, and who was recently voted by NFL coaches as the “smartest offensive player in the NFL”, is actually motivated by paranoid delusions. Our data also shows that Hines Ward is a player on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Furthermore, we’ve discovered that it would only take two words to push him over the edge. So whenever Hines is present, please make sure nobody says the words………………….”Santonio Holmes”.