NFL fines Steelers for winning
In an unprecedented move, the NFL has fined the Pittsburgh Steelers for winning. The Steelers’ 35-3 victory over the Oakland Raiders drew a $500,000 fine from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
“I believe that parity is good for the game of football. The Steelers just don’t seem to understand that. This fine should send a very loud message to the Steelers organization; stop winning so much”.
Goodell expounded further on his vision for the NFL by stating, “I believe in a kinder, gentler NFL. That’s why I keep fining the Steelers’ players. Their brand of football is just too physical.”
“I’ve instructed the referees to punish teams that believe it’s okay to play aggressive, physical football. We are a civilized nation, and we deserve a civilized sport. Players don’t hit one another in baseball or basketball. Why should it be allowed in football?”
The Steelers were penalized 14 times for 163 yards in their 35-3 win over the Oakland Raiders. That’s almost more yards than the Raiders’ offense was able to generate during the entire game (182 net yards). Moreover, it established a new record for penalty yards by the Steelers.
“I was pleased by the referees’ performance”, said Goodell. “I believe that teams need to be more evenly matched. When one team is much better than the other team, it hurts the lesser team’s self-esteem. At least that’s what my therapist tells me”.
In a game that became almost comical at times due to the ridiculous penalties that were being called, the Steelers still managed to get a dominant win.
Safety Ryan Clark was penalized for a helmet-to-helmet hit on a play in which his helmet never came near the other player’s helmet. I guess the referees think that the receiver’s helmet is located below his shoulder pads, because that’s where Clark hit him.
In another silly play, James Harrison (who seems to be Public Enemy #1 with Roger Goodell) was penalized for roughing the passer on a play where he clearly had no possibility of stopping his forward momentum.
“The Steelers are just too good”, said Roger Goodell. “They seem to be heading for another playoff run, and potentially a 7th Lombardi Trophy. That’s just being greedy, and I’m not going to tolerate that!”
In another unprecedented move, Goodell also issued fines to several Steelers for plays that would have been celebrated in years past.
Wide receiver Mike Wallace was issued a $50,000 fine for scoring a 52 yard touchdown in the 4th quarter.
“That kid’s just too fast. It’s not fair”, said Roger Goodell. “Besides, the Steelers were already leading by 18 points. Was it necessary for them to score again? They are going to have to learn to consider their opponents’ feelings. Perhaps this fine will give Mike Wallace something to think about. I’ll bet he’ll run slower next time”.
Safety Troy Polamalu also received a $50,000 fine for his interception against the Raiders.
“I felt that Troy’s interception was unsportsmanlike”, Goodell explained. “The Steelers were winning by a significant margin. There was no need for Troy to intercept the ball”.
Finally, Steelers linebacker James Harrison was fined $150,000 for his overall aggressiveness during the game.
When asked about Harrison’s fine, Roger Goodell replied, “That guy’s just got too much fire in his belly. He needs to be cooled off. Would it hurt him to give his opponents an occasional hug? He’s such a meanie. I’m going to keep fining him until he learns to be nice to the other teams”.
Goodell explained the genesis of his new vision for the NFL. “I was watching Dr. Phil, and he said that winning and losing shouldn’t be emphasized in sports. Participation should be the key. Emphasis on winning and losing only instill competitiveness in athletes, and it leads to hurt feelings. We wouldn’t want to see that, would we?”
Despite the poor officiating, and the resulting fines by Goodell, the Steelers still managed to achieve a dominant victory, and remain tied with the Baltimore Ravens atop the AFC North.
Editor’s note: Like much of what we write at Steelers Today, this article was written in jest. The Steelers were not fined for winning. However, it would not surprise us if a few Steelers received fines for today’s game.
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Soooo… when do you think you’ll tell everybody this is parody? I think it’s pretty brilliant and funny but you have certainly unleashed a can of worms! LOL… keep up the good work!
1In related news, Commissioner Roger Goodell has fined Isaac Newton an undisclosed sum. “There is no place for the NFL the laws of physics. I hope this sends him a strong message.”
Fines for Copernicus and Galileo are reported also in the works.
2@Jim - Good one.
The Steelers would have to defy the laws of physics in order to avoid some of the inadvertent hits that they’ve been flagged or fined for. How was James Harrison supposed to avoid that hit? The only way would have been if he had Scotty beam him up right before he made contact with the QB.
@Melissa - You seem to be the only one on Facebook that realized that the article was a joke. Everyone else was ready to go tar and feather Roger Goodell.
3also there will be no fine levied against richard seymore, as goodell explains that as he was turning to congratulate roethlisberger on the td throw, Ben accidently tripped over keamateau and fell jaw first into the hand seymore was gonna use to shake bens hand with… yeah, it was incoincidental he says!
4I love it. This is hilarious!!
5What a crock! It’s called football not chess. Watch the tapes, that punch was not accidental. That was unsportsman like conduct. What’s next, flag football? Steelers Stairway to Seven!!
6This parody is stupid. All you need to say is Goodell is a pussy!
7Knowing how much of a punk ben is, and the kind of cocky mouth he has, there is no doubt that he deserved to get punched in the face. But since I was at the game, and saw the hit, I have to say, that it was in no way hard enough to knock him down the way he pretended it was. It was the girliest fake fall I have ever seen..lol
8Roger Goodell is a lawyer. As a lawyer it is his duty to find methods of transferring wealth to the legal profession. Raiding the kind pockets of the Steelers is easily done because the Steelers are a mainstream team that does not rock the boat. It is always easiest to punish the good guys.
If some of Jerry Jones or Dan Snydr players start getting suspended ; watch out.
Beyond all this, if Goodell takes no action against those refs and the criminal SEYMOUR then the cat is out of the bag. “He is a BOLSHEVIC PLANT.”
Biggest dissappointment was Mike Tomlin’s politically correct responses about the thuggery of the criminal SEYMOUR and the referee incompetence. But I suppose he too was avoiding the BOLSHEVC penalty and fines.
9Based on the post above it is quite clear that proper spelling and logic do not belong in capitalist Pittsburgh. If there is heightened attention on the Steelers for illegal hits, which I do not agree that there is, it could only be the result of Harrison blatantly talking about how he would disregard the rule changes, and Troy being dirty. Perhaps if you watched the rest of the league and saw that other players were flagged and fined for similar hits you would understand that these rules are being enforced everywhere. I suppose that is asking too much though. It is much easier to hate lawyers and apparent communists.
10I’ve watched many other teams play and though penalties are called in all games the refs are definitely biased against the Steelers. It seems as though our guys must learn to play without actually touching anyone on the other team, and god forbid actually knocking one of the other guys down. Football is meant to be a physical sport! In hockey they allow the players to fight until they land on the ice or blood is shed. All the steelers try to do is play defensively. This article was funny…. but unfortunately hits close to home with some comments. Troy is far from being a “dirty” player and Harrison is being penalized for playing hard. The fines are ridiculus and are not dealt out evenly over the league.
11Harrison got fined as much on a questionable hit in the Browns game, as Merriweather of the Pats did the same week for launching himself. They piled on Harrison for being a “repeat offender”. Yes, they are being enforced across the league, but not evenly.
12I think goodell should step down as footballs only supreme commander. He just don’t get it, he thinks football should be played as a game that doesn’t require knocking down the other player. To single out one team as bad he’s way out in left field. He doesn’t have a clue how to be a good and fair judge. I guess he wants football to be a nice gentle sport. I could just see a player coming up and hugging another player, all that would do is start a fight. Goodell is ruining the game of football. If he stays in office with his comments then they should just b band football alltogether, that must be what he wants. His views should stay views and not interfering with the game. He is way out of line..
13This is a hoot.. almost more truth then fiction
14Wow. Goodell has taken away from the sport. A team is gonna to win/lose over a unnecessary roughness call. It’s not right to throw the flag on those play. If They do they should review it then decided if it is…….
15yo goodell if u want a sport like baseball or basketball then get out of the NFL this sport is meant for the best of the best meaning that people are going to hit hard or run fast that was the meaning of the sport. if thats not how it is you mise well change it to flag football. and who cares about other teams feelings if they aren’t good enough then thats not the other teams problems.. all im trying to say is that this is one of the most contact sports. all pro players have been taught to run/hit etc… from pee-wee football all the way to pro. dont blame them for what you feel like is not fair
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