Steelers vs. Ravens; a tale of good vs. evil
On Sunday hence, the valiant Steelers of Pittsburgh journey to the land of Baltimore to take on their long-time nemesis, the hated Ravens. Supremacy of the kingdom called the AFC North hangs in the balance.
This contest shapes up as a battle of good versus evil. It’s Superman vs. Lex Luthor, Barack Obama vs. George Bush, Miracle Whip vs. Mayonnaise, and the other girls on “The View” vs. that Hasselbeck chick, all rolled into one.
Representing the forces of darkness, we have the Baltimore Ravens. You know, Ray Lewis, Bart Scott, Ed Reed (the second best safety in the NFL after Troy Polamalu), Willis McGahee, and the rest of the villainous thugs from the rancorous land of Baltimore. Everybody knows about Baltimore. That’s the foul village where the tale of “The Wire” was told. Anyone who has heard the tale of The Wire knows that just about everybody who lives in Baltimore only wants to do one thing; pop a cap in your @$$. Yes, Baltimore is a land of great wickedness.
Welcome to Baltimore
Representing the forces of good, we have the Pittsburgh Steelers (cue harp music). You know, the gallant knights Troy Polamalu (the guy who is better than Ed Reed), Big Ben, Sir Willie, Friar James, and the rest of the noble men of steel. The Steelers are the embodiment of goodness and virtue; the opposite of the Baltimore Ravens.
The most famous tale to ever eminate from Pittsburgh was tale of friendly Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. You remember Mr. Rogers, don’t you? He was the kindly gentleman who taught children helpful lessons like being respectful of their parents and how to play nicely with one another. See the difference between “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” and “The Wire” ? Well that’s the difference between Pittsburgh and Baltimore. The noble Steelers versus the foul Ravens. Good versus evil.
Mr. Rogers
The Ravens’ most famous warrior is Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis is from a slimy swamp called “The U”. ”The U” is a fabled land that is known for spawning foul, hideous, smelly creatures. Kellen Winslow Jr. is from”The U”. Need we say more? Ray Lewis is a vile but powerful warrior. He is evil incarnate.
The Baltimore Ravens weren’t always evil. Once upon a time, the Ravens were the harmless Cleveland Browns. They dwelt in the dirty but peaceful place called the land of Cleve. The Browns were faithfully worshiped by the simple, uneducated folk of the Land of Cleve. But then an evil wizard, Art Modell, demanded that the poor farmers of the Land of Cleve build him a giant castle lest he take their Browns away from them. When the gentle country folk of Cleveland were unable to meet the wizard’s demands, he snatched the Browns away from the powerless peasants, and transported them to the more dastardly land called Baltimore. Modell knew that the vile denizens of Baltimore would be much more supportive of his wicked shenanigans. Drawing upon arcane magicks, the wizard Modell tranformed the harmless Browns into the villainous Ravens. Since then, the Ravens’ evil has grown, unchecked by civilized folk.
To break the Ravens’ reign, the forces of good (the Steelers) must vanquish the Ravens in the midst of their halls of power (M&T Stadium). The Ravens are at their most powerful at M&T Stadium, where they draw from the macabre energies of their worshipers.
Orcs and Trolls from Baltimore
With the power of their followers flowing into them, the Ravens are almost unbeatable in their lair. The Ravens draw further power from The One Ring. The One Ring was given to the Ravens in 2001 after Super Bowl XXXV. The One Ring represents the lone noteworthy accomplishment by the Ravens. Without it, they are nothing.
To defeat the Ravens, the Steelers will have to draw upon the power of The Five Rings. The Five Rings is a source of far greater power than The One Ring.
The Steelers last defeated the Ravens in their evil lair in 2002. The Steelers were only able to defeat them there in 2002 because they had the valiant Prince Bettis fighting by their side. Without Prince Bettis, victory is far more difficult. However, the Steelers do have Prince Bettis’ young apprentice, Sir Willie, to help lead them to victory.
If the Ravens win, it will usher in a new era of struggle. The Steelers and Ravens will find themselves locked in a battle to the finish for rulership of the kingdom of AFC North.
If the Steelers are victorious, then goodness and light will continue to shine upon the AFC North. The Steelers will likely win the AFC North and a 1st round playoff bye. Songs will be sung, and we will eat, drink, and be merry.
May the power of The Five Rings be with the men of steel.
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AWESOME!! And hilarious!! Thanks, this blog really cheered me up! GO STEELERS!
1P.S. From your lips to God’s ear!
2Well said sir Scribe. Me thinks thou wilt have a follow-up after the Steelers beat the tar out of the evil Raven condo, I mean empire.
3Nice article. Part Lord of the Rings, part Monty Python & The Holy Grail. The Ravens are indeed minions of a darker power.
4I love the Wire vs. Mr. Rogers comparisons! That’s the diff between the ‘Burg and the TRULY fowl (no pun intended), crime infested s%*thole that is Baltimore (believe me, I sadly live 25 minutes south from there now and their most infamous ghetto is literally BEHIND the stadium, no joke!) in a microcosm! Criminals indeed. Damn ogres & trolls…
5Glad you all enjoyed the story. As I wrote it, I was afraid that readers would think it was a bit corny. Thanks for the positive feedback. In case you hadn’t noticed. I have no ads on my site. Unlike most blogs, I do this purely for the love of it. I just want to share my passion for the Steelers with other fans. I make no money from this (nor do I want to). So I really do appreciate it when readers leave feedback to let me know that I’m not wasting my time.
BTW Travis, sorry to hear that you are trapped in Baltimore.
6i I HAVE NEVER HEARD SUCH STUPID LOGIC CONCERNING THE ONE RING VS. THE 5 RINGS, BUT HEY, IF IT WORKS WHO AM I TO ARGUE DUMB LOGIC. SO TO THE RINGS TO BE,, GO STEELERS!
7MY LAST POST IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO BE DOROGATIVE TO THE BLOGS OWNER, BUT YOU MUST ADMIT!,,,
8David,
Ummmm, it was a jestful play on the Lord of the Rings. There was no logic involved. It was satire.
But at least I know that you weren’t being “dorogative”. That’s comforting.
As the old slogan used to say, “just say ‘no’ to drugs”.
9THANK YOU FOR NOT GETTING TOO BENT, BUT DIFFERENT IS-IS DIFFERENT DOES. THE STEELERS RINGS CUMULATIVE HAS MORE WEIGHT THAN THAT OF THE BLACK BIRDS NO DOUBT. EVERYONE HERE THINKS THE RAVENS ARE GONNA WIN THIS GAME, COARS I AM IN A PREDOMINENTLY RAVEN TOWN, BUT I FIGURE THE EDGE WE TAKE IN THIS GAME IS THAT FLACCO HAS TO FACE THE STEELERS D. BEN IS USED TO THE RAVENS D BY NOW, I FEEL ITS GONNA COME DOWN TO FLACCO, IF HE CAN WITHSTAND LAMAR/HARRISON THEN RAVENS WIN, IF HE GETS HURT BY THE DYNAMIC DUO, THEN STEELERS WIN IN A CLOSE GAME I SAY 28 - 27
10this tells me that Putzburg fans are effeminate and gay?
GO RAVENS!!!
11Learned Sir, thou hast penned a tale worthy of the ages. Minstrels shall sing of this epoch battle and children shall learn at their fathers’ knees of the fateful Charge of the Men of Steel. Woe unto the evil minions of the Dark Hall for they shall fall in utter defeat to the warriors of the Black and Gold.
12Corny? Absolutely!!! but that’s what makes it great.
13I live in Balto and I am a huge Steelers Fan. I have gotten Text messages with the Ravens doing awful things to the Steelers. I am going to a Ravens Roost on Sunday to watch the game and to piss them off wearing my Polamalu jersey. I wished I had a e-mail or text to send back showing steel dropping down on their bird.
14Great Read. Go you Dark Lord Ravens!!!!!!
15ravens will win
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