Purple dragon: Resurrection
January 20, 2009
By Donald Starver
Special thanks to “Mutt” for suggesting that the “Purple Dragon” series needed to be a trilogy. Great idea, Mutt. And so, as you requested, here is part 3 of the trilogy.
For those of you who haven’t read the first two segments, please do so before reading this final chapter of the trilogy.
Click here to read chapter 1 of the trilogy.
Click here to read chapter 2 of the trilogy.
Chapter 3: Resurrection
The villagers of Pittsburgh didst enjoy a time of great peace and prosperity following the defeat of the purple dragon many months ago by their beloved Men of Steel. Little did they know that the beast had not been destroyed, but rather, it had simply been diminished. Whilst the beast appeared to be dead, it didst yet cling to a flicker of life.
The beast had been laid low in his last encounter with the Men of Steel by a killing stroke by the young squire “Santonio of the smoky weed”. Yet the powerful magicks that did empower the beast proved more difficult to overcome than had been originally believed.
While the great beast appeared to be vanquished, it was secretly resting in a death-like state as its powers were being renewed. The beast’s powers were fed by the faith and worship of its followers, the orcs and trolls of Baltimore. Their unwavering devotion to the foul creature didst resurrect him, this time more powerful than before.
The purple beast remembered being humbled at the hands of the Men of Steel, clad in their black and gold armor. He recalled the might of Lord Ben, Sir Hines, Sir Heath, Sir Willie, and the rest of the heroic band of brothers from Pittsburgh. The very thought of them made the beast’s blood boil. He hated them more than any could imagine. He longed to destroy the Men of Steel once and for all. And woe be unto any who sought to deny him his revenge.
Having tasted the might of the Men of Steel once before, the dragon had his mightiest sorcerer, the dark lord Rex Ryan, devise even more powerful defenses than the beast enjoyed before. The Dark Lord conjured forbidden defensive magicks that made the beast virtually unbeatable.
Emboldened by his newfound might, the beast set his eyes upon an even greater prize than he had before. In times past, the beast had challenged the Men of Steel for dominion of the Northern portion of the Kingdom of AFC. This time, the hell-spawned behemoth would seek to rule the entire Kingdom of AFC.
Rather than challenge the Men of Steel right away, the beast didst devise a plan most foul. He would first test his newfound powers against the mighty Titans of Tennessee. The Titans were a strong but arrogant army. While the Men of Steel ruled the northern realm of the kingdom of AFC, the Titans ruled the southern realm. The Titans had proven themselves to be more powerful warriors than even the gallant Men of Steel. Recently, the Men of Steel dared challenge the Titans in their home territories of Tennessee, only to be rebuffed most brutally. Not only did the Titans soundly thrash the Men of Steel, but they also desecrated their sacred gold and black coat of arms.
The Beast knew that by first defeating the mighty Titans, it would send a powerful message to the Men of Steel that their age-old foe was back, and that he was even more powerful than before.
And so it went that in a battle that saw the Titans show forth great might and prowess, the beast did yet prevail. He vanquished the Titans, and sent forth word that he was coming next for the Men of Steel. Unlike times past, this battle would not be for the Northern realm of the kingdom of AFC. Nay, this battle would determine who would reign over the entirety of the kingdom. The winner of this battle would be the Champion of the kingdom of AFC.
The last time they battled, the Men of Steel had vanquished the purple dragon in his own lair. This time, the dragon would take the battle directly to the Men of Steel. He would challenge them in their vaunted Field of Heinz.
And so on a Sunday that will be sung about for generations, the purple dragon did enter the Field of Heinz to do battle with the Men of Steel. The clash was both violent and vicious. Some used the term “smash-mouth”. The dragon and the Men of Steel battled as the Field of Heinz ran with blood (or was that ketchup?).
Early in the battle, the Men of Steel were dealt a devastating blow when the dragon injured the mighty Sir Hines, and rendered him unable to fight on. Sir Hines’ strength was admired by all of the Men of Steel, and having him removed from the battle was a crushing blow to the morale of the black and gold.
Without Sir Hines, the Men of Steel were forced to call upon Sir Hines’ young apprentice Limas Wastedpik. Wastedpik had been taken under the wings of Sir Hines when Sir Hines noticed that Wastedpik had been born with a severe deformity; he had no hands.
In the heat of the battle, young Wastedpik had an opportunity to deliver the killing blow to the dragon. Unfortunately, his handicap came back to haunt him as Wastedpik dropped his sword.
And so the battle waged on, with each side being battered and bruised yet refusing to budge an inch. limbs were severed and bodies broken, yet still the struggle continued.
It appeared that the conflict would not end until the final combatant lay dead on the battlefield. As day turned to night, and the number of wounded mounted, the battle raged.
Lesser warriors, like those who dwell in the valleys of Ohio, could never even dream of participating in a battle of such consequence.
The Men of Steel and the purple dragon were locked in a battle of the ages. The two forces were locked in stalemate, until finally, one of the mightiest warriors on the field of battle rose to the occasion. The gallant knight “Sir Troy of the flowing hair” lifted his gilded blade and drove it deep into the heart of his purple nemesis. The beast lurched as it belted out its final death knell.
And so the Men of Steel didst claim the title of champions of the entire Kingdom of AFC. None could stand before their might, and all hailed their accomplishments. Mugs were lifted and songs were sung in celebration of the final victory of the Men of Steel over the purple dragon from Baltimore.
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Why do we write a draft pick off after one year? Come on,Wastedpik?
1this is the best one yet!! I hope this becomes a steady column. I cant wait for the Super Bowl issue!! “Limas Wastedpik” lol!!!
2Dude…hilarious.
3Sir Doug,
I actually agree with you. This article was written tongue in cheek. I don’t think that Limas is a wasted pick. He’s a rookie, and he makes rookie mistakes. He’ll get better.
Limas has a couple of things going for him that can’t be taken for granted. Firstly, he is tall. You can’t teach height. Secondly, he is fast. Have you noticed the great separation that he is getting from his defenders before dropping the ball? The guy can run.
The hands will come with time. Remember how terrible Nate Washington’s hands were? I also remember Troy Polamalu playing very poorly as a rookie. Santonio wasn’t very impressive either. Ike Taylor seemed like a waste of a draft pick during his first year. Yet all of those players developed into quality contributors. Limas Sweed will be no different.
I was just having a little fun at Limas’ expense, but I don’t think he’s a “Wastedpik”.
4hilarious, as always
5From my post I saw the Dragon was airborne trying to gain the backs of the Men of Steel to deliver a killing blow when the spear of Sir Troy went suddenly through the Dragon’s heart, then I saw Sir Troy riding his horse through the entire Baltimore’s army pulling the Dragon until it fell to the ground causing an horrendous thunder that, mixed with the joyous chants of the Great people of Pittsburgh, was heard to the last confines of the Kingdom of AFC. Wherever that sound was heard, the Trolls and Orcs writhe in agony because they knew it was the beginning of a new Era of Light and Wisdom… Gold and Black.
6Ahh, I dost hope that Limas Wastedpik will turn into a fine and mighty warrior in the next few seasons. And perhaps follow in the footsteps of Sir Hines, and Sontonio of the smoky weed, by being the hero of a battle. Lest we rememeber that Sir Nate Butterfingers may have had his best campaign this year, we seem to forget the number of sure “deathblows” he has missed while dropping his sword.
Sir Troy of the flowing hair was perhaps not the saviour of that battle, but perhaps the finisher of the battle. Sounding the final horn in the field of Heinz by marching gallantly with the Purple dragon’s claws back into the dirty beast’s own heart. Need we forget that the Unibrow of the beast did thus deliver three blows that were reversed upon himself that fatefull eve. Once by Sir Deshea the cowboy killer, and also by Sir Carter the brown stain destroyer.
Perhaps the purple dragon may not emerge as strongly in the upcoming fall. However, we must agree that the purple dragon did vanquish many foes of ours, clearing our path to the crown of all lands.
7Well said, Vassel Gerrad, well said!
Methinks the purple dragon will re-emerge next year, though in a diminished state. Perhaps young Wastedpik will redeem himself in the battle that is to come.
May the crops in the quaint shire of Erie overflow with abundance.
8